PG Wodehouse, - Great humour again

"He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more."
― P.G. Wodehouse

"At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies."
― P.G. Wodehouse, Uneasy Money

"There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"
"The mood will pass, sir."
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

"He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom."
― P.G. Wodehouse

"I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

"She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when". "
― P.G. Wodehouse

"I always advise people never to give advice."
― P.G. Wodehouse

"A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle." 

― P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories

"There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine."

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It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

Ring for Jeeves (1953)

________________ 

"And she has got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need".

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"When I see lovers' names carved on trees, I don't think it's sweet. I only wonder how many people bring a knife on a date "

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My thanks to the fascinating Mr. Ravi VS for this contribution

Why the Clintons lost? - Humour

Lexophile

"Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as 

"you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year's winning submissions:

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a job well done. That's the point of it.

* My thanks to my friend Yagnesh Buch for this contribution

I am the universe

I am the universe,

and the universe is within me.

From this realisation,

my spiritual journey began.

~ Gurvinder Singh 

Cross examining a grandma can be dangerous

Lawyers should never ask tough grand mother a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."



The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Children of Israel - Humour

At Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?


My thanks to Harish Daswani for this joke.

Price and Value

Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

~ Oscar Wilde

From the book and play - The Picture of Dorian Gray (July 1890)

Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) was a highly versatile Irish playwright, novelist, essayist, and poet. He became one of London's most popular playwrights in the early 1890s. He is remembered for his intelligence, and honesty which he used to expose hypocritical thinking and behaviour in a philosophical, outrageous and humorous manner.