A Woman is never happy to share her man, so ...

 

Whether by luck, parental arrangement, love, lust or seduction, once she has him a woman is never happy about sharing her man.

I am talking not only about sharing her man with another woman, but also with friend, mother in law, etc. A  woman resents sharing her man, with other interests, which begs the question 'why is this so?'

Permit me to explain.

Though I use the terms 'husband' and 'wife', to explain, it also applies to temporary relationships and live in arrangements, as to why there is so much confusion between the sexes about sharing.

In regard to marriage/relationships, our existence can be viewed in two parts. Our partner whom we can call our 'love' and everything else we do which we can call our 'life'.

When a woman loves or invests in a relationship, her love dominates her life. Her love and life converge becoming two sides of the same coin. Women, when they love, usually do so with their entire being.

Women find it incomprehensible, 'why can men not feel and behave the same as women?' and they make their displeasure known often and loudly.

Even if men may want to feel and behave in the same manner they cannot, because by their very nature men are differently inclined.

In contrast to a woman, a man's existence is divided in two different compartments, in one he has his love and in the other he has his life. The love compartment  is for his woman and the other compartment containing everything else in his life. These include his work and career, hobbies, interests, entertainment, his family and his friends, etc. (Children move from one compartment to the other in a man's life).

When a man is focussed on life he fleetingly remembers his love, until it is approaching time to head back home or meet his love or partner. As a consequence even though men may try very hard, they often fail to remember many important tasks, dates, remain hazy about promises to their love and are usually absent minded about matters that seem important to their woman. This is why women have to keep on reminding men ever so often, not surprisingly men still forget. Probably this is the reason for women having to constantly to nag their men to get anything done.

This seemingly one way traffic of concern by the women infuriates and frustrates them. Grumbling rarely helps because men are wired differently from women, they simply cannot appreciate what the fuss is all about, and why a man's behaviour is not good enough and is also viewed as irresponsible and a direct indication of an absence of love or care for the woman and her feelings by her man.

Both men and women have friends, sport, work, hobbies, politics, and a hundred other interests that can potentially fill their life in addition to focus on their love. Women usually manage to  juggle all these demands on their time yet focus on their love,  unfortunately men not so well.

Women view most of a man's interests as competitors to her needs of attention and love, hence she becomes hostile towards most of these 'distractions', be they other people, beings or activities other than his core work.

If wives do not place demands it is quite likely that husbands will disappear for long spells returning to either protect their families or showing up only when they want either food, rest or sex.

A woman in marriage or in a relationship tries her best to minimise her man's extracurricular interests so that he is more available to her. This leads to a constant tug of war between man and woman.

Women have a psychological need to be the central focus in her man's life. On the other hand a man's interests in people, things and phenomena keep on shifting to return briefly to his woman and then wander off again trying to investigate, fight over (sport is a substitute for this), acquire or defend something, someone or idea.

I have learnt that if a man wants to be happy in a relationship, he should make the effort to make his woman feel she is the most important being and element in his life and yet find time to pursue his wide range of interests thus giving his woman and himself space.

Lockdowns have highlighted the importance of an individual's need for space. 

It is plain to see the dangerous consequences on the mental and emotional health on two or more active creatures confined to limited space and activities for an extended time. 

Try as hard as they may, men will never understand women and their wants, so it is best to follow Oscar Wilde's advice, "Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."

To remain happy in marriage

In courtship we take great effort to please the partner. Each partner to win over the  affection and respect of the other, makes an effort to be interesting, thoughtful, and usually on his or her best  behaviour. Most often we put on an act suppressing our natural impulses.

We try very hard to live the unrealistic romantic dream, as depicted in romantic television serials, movies, novels, songs, poems, etc.. When we take our marriage vows, we expect that life would be a dreamy fairy tale. 

Most discover that love may be blind but marriage is an eye opener.

Marriage jolts people because we believe that once we have acquired the partner, we can stop pretending. The reality may still be beautiful but we become unhappy because we think the partner has changed, whereas the partner has just reverted to being his or her normal self.

Is the reality bad or are the expectations unrealistic? 

Each individual is a unique and strange creature, who the other partner wishes to mould as per their expectations. Nothing disappoints us more than unfulfilled expectations.

It is the nature of the human being to, favour what we do not have over what we already possess. That is why we remain in awe of people we cannot possess. 

Anyone who is worth possessing simply cannot be possessed. We can choose to accept others as they are or be unhappy.

Each one of us is a unique and strange creature but that itself is our beauty. To accept that strangeness rather than trying to reform people to conform to our expectations is a key to happiness.

Typically men marry, thinking women will never change, but they do. Women believe the man will change, but men never change.

To remain happy, see goodness and beauty in the other, while understanding the flaws in one self. Give more than we demand just as we did during courtship and we have a very good chance of being happy as individuals  and as couples.

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Excerpts from my upcoming book - 'Finding Success and Happiness' 

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Relationships these days

The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover  when she heard her husband opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'Stand in the corner.' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't move until I tell you,'  she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' 

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned  with a sandwich and a cold drink. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' 

You don't love me

The wife came into the room, snatched the remote control, switched off the TV and said,  "You do not love me".

"Hey! What are you doing? The match is at a crucial stage. "
"See you don't love me, a stupid match is more important than me"
'Damn, how could you say such a thing?" Her flabbergasted husband asked.
"I am breaking my back and killing myself to take care of you and our family".
"Have you forgotten the jewellery I bought you for your last birthday?"
" Did I not take you to Europe for our anniversary?"
"I did this ..., and I did that ...'  and I bought you that .....,  blah blah."
"Don't I give you enough money for your comforts and to enjoy yourself?"

The wife replied, "You are impossible. I am getting this feeling for quite some time now.I will repeat it again and again, you don't love me. You think all that matters is money?"


"I don't understand you at all", he said, taking the house keys and slamming the door shut as he left the house, to figure out the complex and incomprehensible nature of women.


He walked briskly trying to cool his mind. Soon he felt tired and sat on the bench next to the kind and elderly Mrs. Kochhar.  She always looked calm with a serene face.

___________________________________

"Hello Gurdeep, you look upset?
"Yes Aunty, I just had a fight with my wife.  I can't understand her. What more does she want from me?"

Mrs. Kochhar heard Gurdeep  pour his heart out, and she tapped the back of his hand, comfortingly and said, "Don't worry these things happen in all marriages, and they eventually sort themselves out."

Mrs. Kochhar: "May I ask you some questions?"
Gurdeep: "No problems, please ask."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How many years have you been married?"
Gurdeep: "Four years."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How long did your courtship last?"
Gurdeep: "About a year."
Mrs. Kochhar: "How did you spend your time during your courtship?"

Gurdeep: "Oh! We went for long walks, went to the movies, shopping, she loves to trek so we used  to go quite often during the weekend on treks, you know stuff like that."

Mrs. Kochhar: "In the last year how often did you go to the movies, or go for walks or treks?"

Gurdeep: "Hardly, I don't have the time.  My work is too demanding."
Mrs. Kochhar: "Do you really love your wife?"

Gurdeep: "At this moment, I am so angry that I am not so sure, but in my heart I feel I love her."
Mrs. Kochhar: "If you love her, then when was the last time you made her feel that you loved her?" She continued, "Beta, a woman can be pleased by gifts and things, only for a while. If you love her then show her, do the things that show that you love her. Ignoring her or taking her for granted is not the best way to show your love."

Mrs. Kochhar: "All she is trying to say to you is, **'love me or even hate me, but never be indifferent to me'**. A woman will never tell you that directly, because no one can beg for love or security or even attention. Love has to be felt not told or purchased."

Gurdeep went home, saw the untouched food on the table. Crept into the darkened bedroom and got into the bed next to his wife. He cautiously snuggled up to her and whispered into her ear,  I am sorry, I shouted at you, I love you."

She just turned around and gave him a hug. Her wet face showed that she had been crying.

At that moment Gurdeep learnt another important lesson of life which eludes many men. 

When your woman complains that you do not love her, all she is saying is 
'Don't ignore me. I want your attention, to show me that you care for me and our relationship.'
He should not demean the relationship by reminding her how much he has provided for her materially. While she appreciates his providing or gifting her things, she wants to know and feel that he loves her and cares for her.
This is one of the secrets of a healthy relationship. Not to take the other for granted. 

Give her your friendship and love, and your genuine attention. Spend time to listen to her. It may seem trivial or irrelevant, but it may be important to her or she just wants to bond. Try to indulge her a little and see your life being transformed for the better. You will most likely live each day happily, more respected and definitely much more loved.

Of course there is no guarantee but, you will probably never again hear the words, 'You don't love me'.

           

But you can have four wives

Kaveh my friend from Iran, was our guest during a visit to India.

It is normal for people to exchange thoughts about philosophies and culture whenever they interact with foreigners.



I asked him, "You are a muslim, and in your country it is permitted to have 4 wives, is that correct?"


"Yes, but I have only one, though I know some people who have more than one wife"


"How come you have only one wife?"

"Because, I want to sleep at home, not the mosque

Insatiable people

People are generally difficult to please. 
Seeking more for less, is a natural human trait. However, there is a group of insatiable people for whom more is never enough.

Who are these insatiable people? 
Generally speaking you can never fully satisfy, Customers, Boss, Parents, Teachers and Wife.




No matter what you do, this group of people  keep driving you to do more, supposedly to progress and to become excellent. Progress and excellence however, are not goals, they are philosophies, a way of thinking and performing. No one is excellent so we are constantly and bluntly reminded of our imperfections and the need to do more.


This is how it works. They set you some goals or ask you to perform a task often disguised as a request.
Off you go and surprisingly even achieve it, feeling pretty good about yourself. The insatiable will inevitably let you know that your performance was  ok, but you need to do better. 

I have waited all my life for acknowledgement, if not appreciation from people in this category, and after 58 years, I am still waiting. These are the people who kept moving the goalposts, further away whenever I reach them.


The customer wants his rupee to travel further, he wants more value  for what he pays. However value has no upper limit. When is value enough? So they ask for better prices, better quality, shorter deliveries, harder, softer, sweeter, more personalised attention, more variety, less variety, .............. etc.




Bosses are people who are experts on everything and because they pay a salary, they believe they own people.  Things are made more challenging for employees, because most of the time the bosses themselves are clueless on what they want or need.

Some bosses are born, some achieve bossiness and some bosses are thrust on others. Merit is surprisingly often ignored, in the journey of people to becoming bosses,  stealth and cunning are more at work.

Many juniors wonder, like the tortoise on a post, "How the hell did he or she get there?" 



Staying on top is difficult, a boss needs to perform. If bosses get competent subordinates they spend sleepless nights because they might lose out to their juniors. If they surround themselves with inept 'yes men' they cannot perform. Can you blame the boss for being nervous and dissatisfied?

(Good bosses are rare and studies show that 72% of people are willing to take pay cuts if someone would change the boss.)





Parents try their hardest to achieve their dreams through the children. They could take a cue from Khalil Gibran who wrote, **"Children come through you, yet they belong not to you".**

Parents have a great investment in their children and like any good investor they want their investment to perform well.  Successful children are expected to provide higher social standing for parents, which seems to be terribly important to parents.

Parents love their children so much that they will do anything for their children, except let them be themselves.

_____________________________

There are good and their bad teachers. Good teachers are inevitably insatiable.
They choose their students and disciples and then drive them to the edge, almost.
They are probably the purest of the insatiable people.


A wife is an enigma. Even great and successful men have problems in meeting the expectations of the wife. Men are rarely able to decipher what the woman actually means or wants. 

The wife want her man to succeed, but rarely know what needs to be done. She knows that nagging and criticising the man will move him. Unfortunately all movement is not progress.

Maybe the reason why there are more successful men then women, is that women do not have wives.


Insatiable people usually drive us, some positively and other destructively. The mistake they often make is in their belief that they own the person. One can own own things but you cannot own people. Even a slave, you can own his body but never his heart and mind. 

Ownership or possession kills the spirit of the individual. Pushing people results in resentment and poor performance over time. 

On the other hand those who excite people, and get them into believing in themselves are happier and more effective. Resulting in self motivated,  proactive, contented people who are and usually more positive and successful.

My father and Uncle and many of my teachers are long gone. I have new customers and the same wife, but the music is the same. 

I grumble about these insatiable people, but thank God they were and some still there. For I would have been a lesser person without them.

Is marriage good for men?

Socrates the great philosopher had a difficult marriage. 

A student of Socrates, desired to get married but was not sure what to do. So he came to Socrates and asked' "Master I wish to get married, will it be good for me?"

Socrates replied, 

"If you find a good woman and she makes you happy, then I suppose that is good for you. 

However if she does not make you happy, then you will become a philosopher, and that is not a bad thing".

It is said that, 

"A man is incomplete until he is married, then he is finished".

Is marriage good for men?

Socrates the great philosopher had a difficult marriage. 

A student desired to get married but was not sure what to do, so he came to Socrates and asked' "Master I wish to get married, will it be good for me?"
Socrates replied, "If you find a good woman and she makes you happy, then I suppose that is good for you. However of you find a wife who makes you unhappy, you will become a philosopher and that also is not a bad thing".

It is said that "A man is incomplete until he is married, then he is finished."

Behind every successful man is ........

It is often said that, 'Behind every successful man is a woman'. It would be more appropriate to say that, 'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman'.

Normally the woman behind the man, is his wife. Without even being briefed, intuitively a woman knows a lot, if not almost everything about her man.

A man, needs a place to return to, rest and recuperate. Feeling secure within his own home, man tends to lower his guard and social pretences and usually reverts to being just himself. That is the issue, because the man that reverts to being his natural self at home, is a unique and often imperfect creature.



All men are imperfect, only types and levels of imperfection vary. Flaws include vanity, ego, greed, lust, and many other human traits. Obsessed with people and things man is full of eccentricities, fetishes, strange fears, etc. This is exactly what his woman sees.

What women rarely get to see or learn of, is that her man who pursues some form of work/career or professional responsibility, is typically pretty good at what he does, and often well appreciated and respected for it by colleagues and society at large.

Since this is normally not  visible to his woman, she can rarely appreciate his professional competence, and capabilities.


Man generally need props to define himself socially and professionally. Props could include vehicles, associates, designations, size of his workplace , his computer and work tools or perhaps a title or even a crown. 


This creature called man, at home and in his lair, with his guard down, often looks and behaves clumsy and incomplete.  This is the creature that the woman sees. Can she be blamed for being surprised if her man is successful?

Man it appears, is the master of the circus by day, and the clown by night.