Where the women are loved

 

Nowadays one sometimes reads about incidents in India of mistreatment and disrespect of women, and that can never be condoned. However just like a few trees do not define a forest, an aberration does not define a civilisation.

Contrary to common belief, in India, as in most agrarian societies the Goddess the provider of all things, as mother nature, has always been revered. In such societies the female has always been respected, loved and worshipped. Hindu and later Sikh tradition have always honoured women with the highest status of which women are rightly deserving.

Somewhere along the way, this valuable lesson which kept man and nature in harmony got disturbed. Influence of patriarchal and alien religions and cultures industrialisation, urbanisation etc. amongst other causes has taught man that nature and hence females are to be exploited for man's convenience and pleasure. Exploitation can never bring honour, dignity or love, only submission and resentment.

Our salvation and lasting joy can come only by loving and cherishing nature, which is manifested in the female.

Culture is shaped by both tradition and historical influences, and provides us many valuable lessons. Love, trust, and respect can never be legislated, or taught. Respect for women can only be instilled in the hearts and minds of our children by the example of elders and parents in every household.

It is not possible to impose values like respect, love and trust upon individuals, nor can it be taught in classrooms. Though this  is often attempted by the government, media, priests, schools, and civil society with little or no benefit except to enhance their own grandeur and power.

I can share what I have learnt.

If you are a man attempt not to understand them, rather try to cherish and respect the women in your life. If you are a woman, then accept them as imperfect yet honour, respect and care for the men in your life. If we do this the days of our life will be wholesome, because divine energies will reside along with us.

______________

* The Manu-Smriti, also known as Manav Dharam Shastra, is the earliest work on Brahminical Dharma in Hinduism. Manu-Smriti is believed to be the word of Brahma, the Creator and it is classified as the most authoritative statement on Dharma.

The scripture consists of 2690 verses, divided into 12 chapters.  It is presumed that the actual human  author of this compilation used the eponym ‘Manu’, which has led the text to be associated by Hindus with the first human being and the first king in the Indian tradition.

Goodbye, Dear Father

Loss of livelihoods is bad enough, compounded by illness and loss of some near and dear to many people.

Humanity now lives under a pall of great fear as the pandemic stalks the land.

No amount of sympathy and condolence can fill the void of sorrow. But life will go on irrespective of how we feel. 

I am reminded of the loss of my father Sardar Man Singh ji, his life and the great lessons he provided us.

Six years ago, on the 1st day of Sept with a gurgle and a cough my father left this world just as he arrived into it.

I was inconsolable, because my mindless heart could not stop crying.
I was unduly brave, because my heartless mind refused to let me grieve. 

Some said it was an auspicious day to die. 
How can any day be a good day to lose someone you love? 

Fate was both kind and cruel to our father, Sardar Man Singh ji (1928 -2014). In spite of his many failings his life was crowned with great success and accomplishments. In spite of his kind, brilliant, hardworking, witty and charming nature he encountered numerous misfortunes. Yet he never lost his balance nor his zest for life. 

On the contrary he transformed setbacks into success and taught his family, friends and colleagues so much by sharing through stories his own experiences and learning. He thus enriched the lives of whoever he touched.

Father was old but in good health, yet he knew that his time was near. He thanked everyone in his life and sought forgiveness from them  for any offence he may have caused them. He devoted the last decade of his life time and effort to helping whoever and whenever he could. The critical and aggressive nature so essential for achievement was replaced by understanding and compassion.

The spirit and wisdom
is transmitted through the generations

As the Guru taught, life is uncertain, for we are owners only of this moment this breath, for we know not whether the next moment, the next breath may come or not.

So use this moment and do what is important, to meditate and understand the insignificance of man and the infiniteness of Creation/Creator in the general scheme of existence.  

As I noticed with my father a transformation took place. We begin to view everyone as good at heart and some as merely misguided. The heart overflows with love and compassion, respect and contentment for whatever life doles out.  A friendly nature emerges not out of cowardice but fearlessness.

As I witnessed with our father, such an awakening enables us to confront all sorts of challenges, to unflinchingly cope with  the most difficult situation, possess the sagacity to accept the outcome and the courage to embrace the inevitable. 

Such a being, a warrior knows, one can fight and yet lose or one can pass on with dignity and grace and yet win.That is why they give life the best they can.

Please, hold my hand.

Many years ago, a friend shared an anecdote with me. Which I now recall every 'Father's day'.

A little girl was walking along a path with her father, when they came to a rickety and treacherous bridge. Instinctively the father stretched out his hand to his daughter and said; "Here, take my hand."

The daughter replied; "No father, you please hold my hand."

The father was confused, "What is the difference, whether you hold my hand or I hold yours?"

The little girl smilingly said, "If I hold your hand and stumble, I may let go of your hand, but if you hold my hand I know you will never ever let me fall."

________________

Living in Dubai at that time, I telephoned my late father from who I had become estranged, to hear his voice and to tell him I loved him. We both wept as I expressed my gratefulness  for the countless blessings that he had bestowed upon me. Asked him, to forgive me for the pain I had caused him. Finally, my desire to be with him, especially on that Father's day.

Somewhere along the way, when we tasted the fruits of material success we forgot an important fact. Our achievements were the result not only of our labour but also the investment in, care, protection, values, love, wisdom, etc. provided by our teachers and parents. 

Protected by the shield of our parents love and blessings, their spiritual energies merging into ours we experienced success and happiness.

Youth normally tends to be arrogant. When combined with success and wealth, youth grows impudent. Without meaning to nor realising it, we offended and disrespected our parents with our dismissive manner and reckless choice of words.

Success, fame and wealth makes us believe that the love and blessings of parents is superfluous, and hence we squander this fortune. 

When we began ignoring their love and disregarded the importance of their blessings,  we soon found ourselves engulfed by a tsunami of problems and misfortune.

For several years I wandered in material, emotional and spiritual wilderness. 

Fortunately, with the Guru's grace, and the support of my wife Mohini and our two young sons, I was and transformed for the better. I returned to the open arms and heart of my parents.

Maybe it's a coincidence, but thereafter my life blossomed once again. I was materially poorer, but emotionally and spiritually richer. Living in the present, I am  free of want and fear.

There is a reason that in India, often father is described as 'Ana-Data' the same term used for God (provider). If we care to look beyond the human failings and at the sublime, we will catch a glimpse of the Creator.

Fathers tend to be obstinate and difficult. They are impossible to fathom, often embarrassing and exasperating us. 

Still, like a noble emperor with a big yet humble heart, love and respect them. As sure as the seasons follow one another, one day each one of us will also thirst for love and understanding.

Actually, Everyday is 'Fathers Day'

______________________

A question of love

We are not a half, looking for the other half to complete us.
We are complete by ourselves. 

What we term as 'needing love' is the need for sympathy, understanding, compassion, friendship or even sex.

Those who demand love are beggars, those who give it are emperors.
Both never tire. The former, of asking, always remains dissatisfied and unhappy, the latter of giving, and always happy.

Even if we seem to have lost love, we can always regain it.  Because love is not something to be acquired, it is something to be given. 

It is a good time to ask ourselves, 'Am I a beggar or an emperor?'

Pandora's Box

• What was, Pandora's box?

• Why has Western civilisation treated women as inferior?

Pandora's box is an artefact in Greek mythology, taken from the myth of Pandora's creation in Hesiod's 'Works and Days'. 

In classical Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on Earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus to create her. So she did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many gifts: Athena clothed her, Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo gave her musical ability, and Hermes gave her speech.

According to Hesiod, when Prometheus stole fire from gods in heaven and gave it to humans. Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Prometheus' brother Epimetheus.

Pandora by
Dante Gabriel Rossetti (1879)

The 'box' was actually a large jar given to Pandora (meaning all-gifted") for safekeeping. The jar contained all the evils of the world. 

She was warned never to open it. Women are intensely curious, and Pandora simply could not resist a peek into what was in the jar. 

Pandora opens a jar containing death and many other evils which flew out into the world. 

Realising her blunder Pandora hastened to close the container, but all the contents had escaped, except for one thing that remained inside the jar – Elpis (Hope).

The significance of Pandora’s box:

The Pandora myth chiefly describes the emergence of all sorts of evils on earth, which was engendered by the creation of women. In this way, the Pandora myth reverberates the theological story of Adam and Eve. The story metaphorically explores the dangers of curiosity and disobedience. 

Pandora’s box is also seen as the symbol of female sex organs.  This is because there was and still is, a popular belief particularly in the West, that women utilise their sexual organs to lead men into all sorts of trouble. 

Since Western attitudes have been mainly rooted in Greek philosophy, it helps to understand the traditional attitude of men towards women in Western civilisation.

When women are depicted as has been in the case of Pandora, they are viewed negatively, as inferior mentally and spiritually to men. 

Today, the phrase, "to open Pandora's box" means to perform an action that may seem small or innocent, but that turns out to have severely detrimental and far-reaching negative consequences. It symbolises something that holds evil, and by opening Pandora’s box implies creation or release of serious trouble, that cannot be undone. 

A master’s farewell Letter

"If God, for a second, forgave what I have become, and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability.

I wouldn't, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say. I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.

I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.

I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn't arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.

I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken and the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father's finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say 'I love you'.

There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you and that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn't wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them 'I am sorry, please,  forgive me, and thank you', and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Divine for wisdom and strength to express them.

Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.

Say and do what you must today itself ...tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn't matter either, the moment to do it is now.

For you,

With much love,

Your Friend,"

_________________________

Note: 

In 2000, the impending death of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, (famous Colombian writer, and Nobel Peace Prize) winner for literature) was incorrectly reported by Peruvian daily newspaper La República. The next day other newspapers republished his alleged farewell poem, but shortly afterwards García Márquez denied being the author of this beautiful poem.

_________________________

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Please, keep us close to you.

Last year Mohini and I spent a quiet new year's eve. We visited the Gurudwara followed by a quiet dinner. Then the rest of the evening and night was spent at home, babysitting and enjoying the antics of our two naughty grandsons.

As we grey, we spend a lot of time reminiscing. We recalled a new year we celebrated many, many years ago, in 1996.

"Dad, can we come with you and mom this  evening to the new year party?" asked our 15 year old son, Mohit, accompanied by his 13 year old sibling, Pavit.

"Of course not", I retorted. "Don't cling to us. You better go along with your friends. That is who you should be spending your new year time with."

It didn't bother me the least, that Mohit, looked crest fallen, for I was making a man out of my son. He had to learn to be strong and independent.

In fact, I felt damn proud of myself, as I left for work.

That evening Mohini my wife asked, "What did you say to Mohit? Why can't the boys come with us? I have spoken to our friends, and they are quite comfortable if the boys come with us to the dinner and party. Please let them come."

"No! My decision is made, and please don't argue with me", I said curtly.

"Do you know what your son said? Do you have any idea what is going on in that young boy's mind and heart?" Mohini asked.

"Don't make a sissy out of him", I scolded her.

She sat me down and quoted Mohit. 

"Mom, very soon I will be busy, with my friends in college and then my professional studies in engineering.  My studies and career will consume nearly all my time and marriage thereafter. We have only these few years remaining,  that the four of us can spend real quality time together. We will never have this time again." 

He continued "I want to spend these years with you both and Pavit so that I can relish these times for all my life.  This is why I want us to be with you.  So Mama, please keep us close to you, while you can."

My macho arrogance, had blinded me and had stolen my empathy and love. It had made me both senseless and heartless. 

Could I not have had the same conversation with my son as Mohini had? 

Why had I failed to hear and feel what our son so dearly felt?

In this matter, who was showing greater wisdom and maturity, the father or the son?

Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted to kick myself. How could I make it up to him? I went to his room, and there he sat reading a book. 

With a weak smile he said, "Mom explained everything to me. Dad, it's ok, if you cannot take us with you. You and mom have a great time. Pavit and I will just chill out at home and watch TV."

I walked up to him, grasped his shoulders, stood him up. I embraced him real tight, and kissed him on his forehead. I said, "I am sorry, I refused you in the morning. On second thought, its a great idea that you came with us."

The four of us went together, to the new year party. We joked about and laughed so much that our stomachs ached, we danced until our legs hurt.  Then we danced and laughed even more... . The easy spontaneity,  fun, bonding and love, made it a fabulous, unforgettable happy evening, 

Thanks to Mohini and our sons, I became a better father and human being. 

Now 22 years later everything has happened almost exactly as Mohit foresaw it.  Even though we all stay together, our lives travelling in different orbits, allow us fewer  occasions to spend time together.

Our sons have grown up, are married, and fathers now. Its but natural that they devote their lives to the future. Their time is devoted to their work, wives, children, friends and associates. We have to struggle to find quality time as a joint family. 

Nowadays when the six of us and our grandsons get to spend time together, we still enjoy ourselves a lot, but it is somewhat different. The love and the magic is there, but it is not so overpowering anymore. Its not so intense and definitely less insane. 

.

Mohini and I draw consolation from Khalil Gibran's words, "Our children come through us, but they belong not to us ........". 

Why is it so delicious?

My wife had served us a delicious meal and my thoughts flashed back to my mother.

I had gone to meet my mother as I often did. As always with folded hands, I bowed to mother and touched her feet. Gripping me by the shoulders she picked me up and  embraced me. The glowing delight on her face was all encompassing.

After a brief update, she stood up and said, "You must be hungry? Let me get you some lunch. It's hot out there, you must be thirsty, what would you like to drink?"

Mothers are always happy to see their children. After they see them, all they think of is feeding their offspring. They see their child, and instantly they want to stuff food into their child's mouth.

Love and food. Two of human beings very important nutrients. Delicious served unconditionally with a smile and for free. All they want is our time and attention.

Mother darted into the kitchen asked her maid to help her and shooed me out of the kitchen. In a little while, the aroma of the cooking tickled my nose and palette.  Presto! there was some irresistible and delicious food for me to eat. I simply wolfed it down and then some more. 

Whatever mother cooked, it was so tasty, even the most common of dishes were transformed into something delicious. My wife Mohini too is a fantastic cook, particularly when she is cooking for her sons. 

I couldn't but help think, 'Wow! Mother's are so special. They love and respect us even when our behaviour makes us unworthy of their devotion'.  

I recalled one evening, when I was a young man, our mother had served our father and all of us a tasty meal. After dinner my father asked us," Did you ever think about,  why your mother's cooking is so delicious?"

The questioned gnawed at me. So whenever I ate my mother's cooking, I thought about it. I nagged mother to tell me, but she just laughed it off. I tried to study what it was that she was doing, and try to understand the secret. After a year I gave up and asked Dad. 

His explanation was life changing. "Your mother adds a secret ingredient, and its called love. Whenever someone prepares food with love which inevitably a mother, and often a lover, wife, daughter, sister, granny or aunt do, the food is always delicious".

To the modern mind preoccupied with materialism, and the compulsive need to count and measure everything, the concept of love and friendship appears rather naive and old fashioned. 

Love and friendship are anything but matters of fashion, they were, they are and they will remain the essence of a meaningful life.

I have learnt through these experiences that, 

Anything done with love, passion and commitment is bound to be extraordinarily and rich.

Don't stop being engaged

_____________

Excerpts from my upcoming book - 'Finding Success and Happiness' 

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You cannot demand love, but ....

"You cannot demand love, 
all you can do is make yourself loveable.

You cannot demand trust,
all you can do is make yourself trustworthy.


However you can demand attention,
by making a damn nuisance of yourself."

~ Gurvinder Singh

Life without you

One day, some time ago, my wife, Mohini, struggled with trying to open a jar without success. Then she requested me to assist her.
I opened it in a jiffy.

Then with a flourish, I handed it back to her saying, "What will you do without me?"
She replied,  "Who wants to live without you?"

I leant that day, that, 

Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you have got.

Marriage and partnerships are some of the most difficult social tests we humans have to encounter. 

Outcomes can be of several shades. 

At the bottom are negatives which are feelings of disdain, hatred, tolerance and worst feeling is indifference. 

At the top are positive results which include acceptance, desire, joy and if very lucky bliss. 

• To see faults in others is natural.
• To see goodness in strangers is a blessing.
• To see goodness in a spouse or partner is a bloody miracle.

The Jar and a Cup of Coffee

The Jar


A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, 'Is the jar full?'
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the spaces available between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again, 'Is the jar full?'
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up all residual spaces
He asked once more, 'Is the jar full'. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.



'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, friends, and things you are  passionate about. People and things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.'

He added, 'The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and possessions. The sand is everything else –The small stuff.'

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ He continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.'

'If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'So… Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend quality time with your family, and friends. Play with your children. Take off time for yourself and look after yourself. Love, and care for, devote time and attention to your partner.' 

'There will always be time to do all those numerous chores that crop up.'

‘Take care of the golf balls first – The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. ‘I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,there’s always room and time for a cup of tea or coffee with a friend.’

You don't love me

The wife came into the room, snatched the remote control, switched off the TV and said,  "You do not love me".

"Hey! What are you doing? The match is at a crucial stage. "
"See you don't love me, a stupid match is more important than me"
'Damn, how could you say such a thing?" Her flabbergasted husband asked.
"I am breaking my back and killing myself to take care of you and our family".
"Have you forgotten the jewellery I bought you for your last birthday?"
" Did I not take you to Europe for our anniversary?"
"I did this ..., and I did that ...'  and I bought you that .....,  blah blah."
"Don't I give you enough money for your comforts and to enjoy yourself?"

The wife replied, "You are impossible. I am getting this feeling for quite some time now.I will repeat it again and again, you don't love me. You think all that matters is money?"


"I don't understand you at all", he said, taking the house keys and slamming the door shut as he left the house, to figure out the complex and incomprehensible nature of women.


He walked briskly trying to cool his mind. Soon he felt tired and sat on the bench next to the kind and elderly Mrs. Kochhar.  She always looked calm with a serene face.

___________________________________

"Hello Gurdeep, you look upset?
"Yes Aunty, I just had a fight with my wife.  I can't understand her. What more does she want from me?"

Mrs. Kochhar heard Gurdeep  pour his heart out, and she tapped the back of his hand, comfortingly and said, "Don't worry these things happen in all marriages, and they eventually sort themselves out."

Mrs. Kochhar: "May I ask you some questions?"
Gurdeep: "No problems, please ask."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How many years have you been married?"
Gurdeep: "Four years."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How long did your courtship last?"
Gurdeep: "About a year."
Mrs. Kochhar: "How did you spend your time during your courtship?"

Gurdeep: "Oh! We went for long walks, went to the movies, shopping, she loves to trek so we used  to go quite often during the weekend on treks, you know stuff like that."

Mrs. Kochhar: "In the last year how often did you go to the movies, or go for walks or treks?"

Gurdeep: "Hardly, I don't have the time.  My work is too demanding."
Mrs. Kochhar: "Do you really love your wife?"

Gurdeep: "At this moment, I am so angry that I am not so sure, but in my heart I feel I love her."
Mrs. Kochhar: "If you love her, then when was the last time you made her feel that you loved her?" She continued, "Beta, a woman can be pleased by gifts and things, only for a while. If you love her then show her, do the things that show that you love her. Ignoring her or taking her for granted is not the best way to show your love."

Mrs. Kochhar: "All she is trying to say to you is, **'love me or even hate me, but never be indifferent to me'**. A woman will never tell you that directly, because no one can beg for love or security or even attention. Love has to be felt not told or purchased."

Gurdeep went home, saw the untouched food on the table. Crept into the darkened bedroom and got into the bed next to his wife. He cautiously snuggled up to her and whispered into her ear,  I am sorry, I shouted at you, I love you."

She just turned around and gave him a hug. Her wet face showed that she had been crying.

At that moment Gurdeep learnt another important lesson of life which eludes many men. 

When your woman complains that you do not love her, all she is saying is 
'Don't ignore me. I want your attention, to show me that you care for me and our relationship.'
He should not demean the relationship by reminding her how much he has provided for her materially. While she appreciates his providing or gifting her things, she wants to know and feel that he loves her and cares for her.
This is one of the secrets of a healthy relationship. Not to take the other for granted. 

Give her your friendship and love, and your genuine attention. Spend time to listen to her. It may seem trivial or irrelevant, but it may be important to her or she just wants to bond. Try to indulge her a little and see your life being transformed for the better. You will most likely live each day happily, more respected and definitely much more loved.

Of course there is no guarantee but, you will probably never again hear the words, 'You don't love me'.