Why are friendships sometimes lost?

 

In spite of wanting to see his friend, the  wise man restrained himself, thus not visiting his friend for many days.

When he did go to visit him, his friend remonstrated, 'Why have you taken so long to visit?'

The wise man replied, 'It is better than you asking me, why have you come again?'

Friendships are strained and even lost by interacting either too rarely or too often.

Friendship is like a 'Diya', an oil lamp. It requires a regular supply of fuel oil to keep  the flame of friendship alive. 

Meeting rarely or staying out of touch for long periods, is like depriving the lamp of sufficient oil. As a result the flame flickers and eventually dies out. 

Meeting too often is like pouring an excess of oil into the lamp, thus extinguishing the flame. Only the empty lamp remains, possibly with a few sparks but there is no flame. So it is with friendship.

Another way of understanding why friendships do not sustain is, what I describe as threshold capacity of one's personal space.

Each person has his or her threshold of having other people in their physical, intellectual, and emotional space.

Some need and want more, others a lot less.

Spending a lot of time sharing space with others, like in the army, or in travelling or working intimately together, being a member of a large and active joint family,  or having spent an extended time at boarding schools etc. it tends to enhance the threshold of accepting people in our life space.

Hence, I have a very high threshold for accommodating a large number of high intensity interactions simultaneously.   On the other hand my wife Mohini and some of my friends have a low threshold. They need the comfort of their private space a lot more and calibrate their lives accordingly.  

When friends, even good ones with widely different thresholds share their personal space, then, either sparks fly or exhaustion causes them to withdraw.

The solution is to be sensitive and understand the threshold levels of others. 

Unfortunately people sometimes misjudge or forget where that threshold level is, and I am one of them.

Note: Understanding and respecting the threshold is applicable not only to friendships but in fact all relationships. It is key to achieving success and realising happiness.

Religion, is about emotion, not knowledge.

As I sat there listening to Gurbani Kirtan, (hymns) being sung, I was transported to another inexplicable time and space. Overcome with emotion, tears rolled down my cheeks, I could not hold them back.  Tears have salt as do the oceans, that is why we shed tears when we connect with Creation.

The Guru's message carried on the waves of music, and melodious voice, piercing my entire being. A great calm engulfed me and simultaneously I felt awake and alive.

When the minstrels had finished, the priests took over and the emotions partly receded. When I emerged from the congregation and the chit chat of society was almost everywhere. Talk of business, society, family, politics and gossip brought me back to complete normality. 

The religious experience had lifted me an individual soul to a height, and society had dragged me back to the ground.

Why could I not achieve that high for a longer time, a high with out alcohol or drugs? Why not that freedom without wealth, position or power?
I could, but I had to do it alone. Society could not help me even if the government or the priests decreed. My family and friends could also not help, even though they loved and cherished me. My employees and associates cannot not no matter how much I cared and looked out for them. 

I alone, can birth tranquility within myself and that of my  being with the universe. Religion helps me, if I take its message to heart and not to the mind. 

Bhai Kuldeep Singh ji

Unfortunately we have become too literate and excessively intellectual.
We think we know a lot by reading, analysing and dissecting, but we know little unless we feel something. 
The mind which was to serve the being has become our master. Not only is the mind a master it is a terrible and fickle master.

Of course man cannot live by emotion alone, but it allows us to plumb and reach the deepest of ourselves and that is why religion is so essential. 
This is why the greater the religion the more it binds us humans to the universe through music, singing, poetry and dancing. Religion which touches our spirit makes us childlike, wondrous, loving, trusting, friendly and respectful.
This is the one and only true Religion as brought to us by countless Gurus and Masters called by thousands of names. This is the religion of the Divine and all are capable of experiencing.

When religion does not stir the soul it is not religion. 
When religion is of the mind it is an exertion, a duty, a utility, and a weapon. It makes us arrogant, suspicious, distant, hostile and destructive. None of these qualities can  create a better human nor a better humanity. This is the religion created by men which many know and practice.

Religion of the heart is spirituality, the religion of the mind is politics.

The choice is ours. To experience the wonder of creation or to know the cunning of man. 
Religion, know it less, experience it more

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You can listen to some of the hymns as sung by Bhai Kuldeep Singh ji (of Amritsar)
Tu Mero Pyaro
Gur Bahan Pakad, Prabh Seva laayen

We need more education, less schooling.

India boasts of a Human Resources dividend because of a young working population in the present times and in the foreseeable future. Actually going by present trends India is heading towards a Human Resources disaster. Here is why.

Surveys have always confirmed what I have experienced in recruiting employees. Our schooling system is out of sync with the needs of our society and our humanity.

As per ASER (Annual Survey of Education Report) India 25 per cent of Class 8 students can't read Class II text.
Another statistic, 56% of Class 8 students cannot do simple basic math


As regards college graduates one survey revealed that [47 Percent graduates in India are unemployable for any job.
Another report reveals that, over 80% Indian engineers are unemployable, lack new-age technology skills

The causes are numerous and blunders of historical past cannot be undone. However with understanding and commitment, transferred into action the future can be created.
The sure sign of an impending disaster is that in spite of knowing that the situation is very bad, we are unable to or unwilling to act.

Though Schooling and Education are terms often used interchangeably, there is a big difference.

Schooling is the pushing out of facts, figures, data, instructions, and the regimentation of the student, by instructors but called teachers so as to get students to think and behave in a reliably predictable manner. 

Society has evolved and changed dramatically but the approach to learning remains mostly unchanged. Mandated by government bureaucrats and effected by various boards, schooling as is currently effected is damaging if not disastrous to society.

Schools nowadays may have modern infrastructure but their soul has mostly been lost. Schools currently do only two things, they babysit students and deliver curriculum.

At the end of their schooling, an intelligent, innocent and pure child will in all probability be converted into an indoctrinated arrogant creature lacking values. Will possess at best a lot of facts and figures and unlikely to live a wholesome, happy and successful life.

Most schools now focus entirely on ensuring that students pursue and achieve high marks in various mandated board examinations, so that the student can join the next level of rote learning and progress to being further dumbed down in colleges.

Only a small percentage of students with the guidance and support of their parents and some committed teachers be able to escape the trap. They will join select institutions and rise to become something. 

Anyone or anything that provides a lesson is a teacher.  In the schooling system of today, the teacher only transfers the information from a syllabus to the student so that the student can pass an examination based on his or her memory.

Education is the creation of an environment which stimulates the student to thirst for information and knowledge, which they will find exciting, relevant and useful. Education is a pulling of knowledge from formal and informal sources.  Education is also experiential learning while schooling provides only rote learning. 

Schooling significantly disregards the numerous natural intelligences, and natural inclination of individual students, so as to produce identical products which will be considered normal. While education excites human intelligence and therefore inspires, schooling tends to deaden and degrade human intelligence. 

Schooling certainly enhances intellect and memory, but it is not the same as enhancing intelligence and creativity which comes only from education. Schooling is a top down approach whereas education is multidirectional. Education can come from ones research and experiences, from public sources, internet, libraries, peers, seniors, juniors, colleagues, associates and even strangers. One of the most impactful source of education are parents and family. 

Demotivated by school managements running as businesses or as ineffective and inefficient government  bureaucracies, overworked and distracted by excessive regulations, and curriculum, intimidated by aggressive parents, teachers in schools have little or no room to really facilitate student learning. 

As a result the student receives information in such an insipid manner, and without understanding its relevance and application, that, whatever is taught is crammed and quickly forgotten after the examinations. Most schools at best convert ignorance into arrogance by providing vast amount of information.

Many of my friends are men of extraordinary character and capabilities. We owe much of our achievements and happiness to the great education we received from our parents, companions and teachers. Pursuing education and not mere schooling made all the difference.

The only way to build a better society and a better humanity is to provide more education understanding and awakening and less of schooling and testing.

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Interesting References:

Annual Status of Education Report - ACER 2018

India's demographic dividend - BBC news

Intellectual Prostitute

John Swinton 

John Swinton (1829–1901) was a Scottish-American journalist, newspaper publisher, and orator. He served as the chief editorial writer of The New York Times. He started a famous  American  labor newspaper called John Swinton's Paper, in the 1880s. Swinton also served as chief editorialist of the New York Sun for more than a decade.

Reproduced below is his toast.



"There is no such a thing in America as an independent press, unless it is out in country towns. You are all slaves. You know it, and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to express an honest opinion. If you expressed it, you would know beforehand that it would never appear in print. I am paid $150 for keeping honest opinions out of the paper I am connected with. Others of you are paid similar salaries for doing similar things." 

"If I should allow honest opinions to be printed in one issue of my paper, in twenty-four hours: my occupation would be gone. The man who would be so foolish as to write honest opinions would be out on the street hunting for another job." 

"The business of a New York journalist is to distort the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of Mammon, and to sell his country and his race for his daily bread, or for what is about the same — his salary. You know this, and I know it; and what foolery to be toasting an 'Independent Press'!"

"We are the tools and vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are jumping-jacks. They pull the string and we dance. Our time, our talents, our lives, our possibilities, are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitutes."

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Prostitute is derived from the Latin word prostituta
“ pro " =  up front or forward“
“ stituta “ = to offer up for sale

“ to up front for sale "