Vitality of Laughter

 Laughter is a natural and universal phenomenon witnessed in every society through all times. In some cultures it comes easy and increasingly in some societies it has been greatly repressed particularly in public.

A society that cannot laugh is unnatural and one can judge how liberated a civilisation is, by how easily and openly the people laugh. 

Government officials, bosses of all kinds, rich and powerful people, priests and clergy, Masters and teachers, and in short, people who wield any position of authority, generally consider their presence in society as very important, even vital. With seemingly  heavy weight on their shoulders they generally find it difficult to smile, leave alone laugh.

The great philosopher Osho made a vital observation. When we laugh, our mind stops  analysing, thoughtless and free from anxiety, greed, regret, etc. This is exactly the same state we attain in meditation, to be free of the mind.

When we genuinely laugh, for those precious few moments  we get disconnected from our material, mental, and emotional worlds. abandoning by reflex our artificial selves and revert to our most natural childlike, innocent state of being.  The very same goal sought by all great masters.

It is at that moment we [encounter the sacred](https://www.guruwonder.in/post/happiness-is-our-encounter-with-the-sacred). 

We will laugh, and laugh frequently when we look at the absurdity of reality and of human existence and our ways. If we can only get over the ridiculous notion that laughter is a sign of the  socially, financially, politically, intellectually and religiously lowly, we could easily progress in nourishing and setting free our spirit.

I crack jokes all the time, and don't mind it when my family and friends point out my idiosyncrasies and strangeness, after all I am human and unique just like everyone else. Laughing at oneself is spiritually therapeutic, for it tends to demolish our arrogance and release us from our ego (ego being an artificial construct we use to identify and define ourselves). This is a precondition for spiritual liberation.

This is why every royal court had a jester, a person who reveals the heavy truth in a light manner to let the monarch and the court know that they are but mortal and thus keep the monarch and his subjects sane and balanced.

The possibility of laughter is universally available to everyone, and probably the easiest way to meditate. Laughing frequently will lightly and in small steps could lead us to spiritual liberation.

Have you laughed recently?

Why are friendships sometimes lost?

 

In spite of wanting to see his friend, the  wise man restrained himself, thus not visiting his friend for many days.

When he did go to visit him, his friend remonstrated, 'Why have you taken so long to visit?'

The wise man replied, 'It is better than you asking me, why have you come again?'

Friendships are strained and even lost by interacting either too rarely or too often.

Friendship is like a 'Diya', an oil lamp. It requires a regular supply of fuel oil to keep  the flame of friendship alive. 

Meeting rarely or staying out of touch for long periods, is like depriving the lamp of sufficient oil. As a result the flame flickers and eventually dies out. 

Meeting too often is like pouring an excess of oil into the lamp, thus extinguishing the flame. Only the empty lamp remains, possibly with a few sparks but there is no flame. So it is with friendship.

Another way of understanding why friendships do not sustain is, what I describe as threshold capacity of one's personal space.

Each person has his or her threshold of having other people in their physical, intellectual, and emotional space.

Some need and want more, others a lot less.

Spending a lot of time sharing space with others, like in the army, or in travelling or working intimately together, being a member of a large and active joint family,  or having spent an extended time at boarding schools etc. it tends to enhance the threshold of accepting people in our life space.

Hence, I have a very high threshold for accommodating a large number of high intensity interactions simultaneously.   On the other hand my wife Mohini and some of my friends have a low threshold. They need the comfort of their private space a lot more and calibrate their lives accordingly.  

When friends, even good ones with widely different thresholds share their personal space, then, either sparks fly or exhaustion causes them to withdraw.

The solution is to be sensitive and understand the threshold levels of others. 

Unfortunately people sometimes misjudge or forget where that threshold level is, and I am one of them.

Note: Understanding and respecting the threshold is applicable not only to friendships but in fact all relationships. It is key to achieving success and realising happiness.

Please, keep us close to you.

Last year Mohini and I spent a quiet new year's eve. We visited the Gurudwara followed by a quiet dinner. Then the rest of the evening and night was spent at home, babysitting and enjoying the antics of our two naughty grandsons.

As we grey, we spend a lot of time reminiscing. We recalled a new year we celebrated many, many years ago, in 1996.

"Dad, can we come with you and mom this  evening to the new year party?" asked our 15 year old son, Mohit, accompanied by his 13 year old sibling, Pavit.

"Of course not", I retorted. "Don't cling to us. You better go along with your friends. That is who you should be spending your new year time with."

It didn't bother me the least, that Mohit, looked crest fallen, for I was making a man out of my son. He had to learn to be strong and independent.

In fact, I felt damn proud of myself, as I left for work.

That evening Mohini my wife asked, "What did you say to Mohit? Why can't the boys come with us? I have spoken to our friends, and they are quite comfortable if the boys come with us to the dinner and party. Please let them come."

"No! My decision is made, and please don't argue with me", I said curtly.

"Do you know what your son said? Do you have any idea what is going on in that young boy's mind and heart?" Mohini asked.

"Don't make a sissy out of him", I scolded her.

She sat me down and quoted Mohit. 

"Mom, very soon I will be busy, with my friends in college and then my professional studies in engineering.  My studies and career will consume nearly all my time and marriage thereafter. We have only these few years remaining,  that the four of us can spend real quality time together. We will never have this time again." 

He continued "I want to spend these years with you both and Pavit so that I can relish these times for all my life.  This is why I want us to be with you.  So Mama, please keep us close to you, while you can."

My macho arrogance, had blinded me and had stolen my empathy and love. It had made me both senseless and heartless. 

Could I not have had the same conversation with my son as Mohini had? 

Why had I failed to hear and feel what our son so dearly felt?

In this matter, who was showing greater wisdom and maturity, the father or the son?

Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted to kick myself. How could I make it up to him? I went to his room, and there he sat reading a book. 

With a weak smile he said, "Mom explained everything to me. Dad, it's ok, if you cannot take us with you. You and mom have a great time. Pavit and I will just chill out at home and watch TV."

I walked up to him, grasped his shoulders, stood him up. I embraced him real tight, and kissed him on his forehead. I said, "I am sorry, I refused you in the morning. On second thought, its a great idea that you came with us."

The four of us went together, to the new year party. We joked about and laughed so much that our stomachs ached, we danced until our legs hurt.  Then we danced and laughed even more... . The easy spontaneity,  fun, bonding and love, made it a fabulous, unforgettable happy evening, 

Thanks to Mohini and our sons, I became a better father and human being. 

Now 22 years later everything has happened almost exactly as Mohit foresaw it.  Even though we all stay together, our lives travelling in different orbits, allow us fewer  occasions to spend time together.

Our sons have grown up, are married, and fathers now. Its but natural that they devote their lives to the future. Their time is devoted to their work, wives, children, friends and associates. We have to struggle to find quality time as a joint family. 

Nowadays when the six of us and our grandsons get to spend time together, we still enjoy ourselves a lot, but it is somewhat different. The love and the magic is there, but it is not so overpowering anymore. Its not so intense and definitely less insane. 

.

Mohini and I draw consolation from Khalil Gibran's words, "Our children come through us, but they belong not to us ........". 

Why is it so delicious?

My wife had served us a delicious meal and my thoughts flashed back to my mother.

I had gone to meet my mother as I often did. As always with folded hands, I bowed to mother and touched her feet. Gripping me by the shoulders she picked me up and  embraced me. The glowing delight on her face was all encompassing.

After a brief update, she stood up and said, "You must be hungry? Let me get you some lunch. It's hot out there, you must be thirsty, what would you like to drink?"

Mothers are always happy to see their children. After they see them, all they think of is feeding their offspring. They see their child, and instantly they want to stuff food into their child's mouth.

Love and food. Two of human beings very important nutrients. Delicious served unconditionally with a smile and for free. All they want is our time and attention.

Mother darted into the kitchen asked her maid to help her and shooed me out of the kitchen. In a little while, the aroma of the cooking tickled my nose and palette.  Presto! there was some irresistible and delicious food for me to eat. I simply wolfed it down and then some more. 

Whatever mother cooked, it was so tasty, even the most common of dishes were transformed into something delicious. My wife Mohini too is a fantastic cook, particularly when she is cooking for her sons. 

I couldn't but help think, 'Wow! Mother's are so special. They love and respect us even when our behaviour makes us unworthy of their devotion'.  

I recalled one evening, when I was a young man, our mother had served our father and all of us a tasty meal. After dinner my father asked us," Did you ever think about,  why your mother's cooking is so delicious?"

The questioned gnawed at me. So whenever I ate my mother's cooking, I thought about it. I nagged mother to tell me, but she just laughed it off. I tried to study what it was that she was doing, and try to understand the secret. After a year I gave up and asked Dad. 

His explanation was life changing. "Your mother adds a secret ingredient, and its called love. Whenever someone prepares food with love which inevitably a mother, and often a lover, wife, daughter, sister, granny or aunt do, the food is always delicious".

To the modern mind preoccupied with materialism, and the compulsive need to count and measure everything, the concept of love and friendship appears rather naive and old fashioned. 

Love and friendship are anything but matters of fashion, they were, they are and they will remain the essence of a meaningful life.

I have learnt through these experiences that, 

Anything done with love, passion and commitment is bound to be extraordinarily and rich.

To remain happy in marriage

In courtship we take great effort to please the partner. Each partner to win over the  affection and respect of the other, makes an effort to be interesting, thoughtful, and usually on his or her best  behaviour. Most often we put on an act suppressing our natural impulses.

We try very hard to live the unrealistic romantic dream, as depicted in romantic television serials, movies, novels, songs, poems, etc.. When we take our marriage vows, we expect that life would be a dreamy fairy tale. 

Most discover that love may be blind but marriage is an eye opener.

Marriage jolts people because we believe that once we have acquired the partner, we can stop pretending. The reality may still be beautiful but we become unhappy because we think the partner has changed, whereas the partner has just reverted to being his or her normal self.

Is the reality bad or are the expectations unrealistic? 

Each individual is a unique and strange creature, who the other partner wishes to mould as per their expectations. Nothing disappoints us more than unfulfilled expectations.

It is the nature of the human being to, favour what we do not have over what we already possess. That is why we remain in awe of people we cannot possess. 

Anyone who is worth possessing simply cannot be possessed. We can choose to accept others as they are or be unhappy.

Each one of us is a unique and strange creature but that itself is our beauty. To accept that strangeness rather than trying to reform people to conform to our expectations is a key to happiness.

Typically men marry, thinking women will never change, but they do. Women believe the man will change, but men never change.

To remain happy, see goodness and beauty in the other, while understanding the flaws in one self. Give more than we demand just as we did during courtship and we have a very good chance of being happy as individuals  and as couples.

_____________

Excerpts from my upcoming book - 'Finding Success and Happiness' 

Contact:

Telephone: +91 957 951 0353

Email: Guru Wonder

About Guru Wonder:

Blog - Website - Facebook - Twitter - linkedin - SikhNet

Life without you

One day, some time ago, my wife, Mohini, struggled with trying to open a jar without success. Then she requested me to assist her.
I opened it in a jiffy.

Then with a flourish, I handed it back to her saying, "What will you do without me?"
She replied,  "Who wants to live without you?"

I leant that day, that, 

Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you have got.

Marriage and partnerships are some of the most difficult social tests we humans have to encounter. 

Outcomes can be of several shades. 

At the bottom are negatives which are feelings of disdain, hatred, tolerance and worst feeling is indifference. 

At the top are positive results which include acceptance, desire, joy and if very lucky bliss. 

• To see faults in others is natural.
• To see goodness in strangers is a blessing.
• To see goodness in a spouse or partner is a bloody miracle.

Please, keep us near

Mohini and I spent this new year eve staying at home to look after our grandson and each other. A visit to the Gurudwara (Sikh temple), followed by a quiet dinner and a surprise visit by our friends Anupam and Priya.

As we grey, we spend half the time looking back and reminiscing. We recalled a new year we celebrated 16 years ago.

"Dad, I want to welcome the new year in with you and mom. Can we come with you to the party you are going with your friends on new years eve?" asked our son Mohit. He was 15 and our younger son Pavit was 13 at that time.

"Of course not", I retorted. "You better go along with your friends, that is who you should be spending your new year time with." 

I simply ignored Mohit's sad and crest fallen look. I was making a man out of my son, he had to learn to be strong and independent. In fact, I felt damn proud of myself as I left for work.

That evening Mohini my wife asked, "What did you say  to Mohit? Why can't the boys come with us? I have spoken to our friends, they are quite comfortable if our boys come with us to the dinner and dance. Please let them come."

"No my decision is made and please don't argue with me", I said curtly.

"Do you know what your son said? Do you have any idea what is going on in that young boy's mind and heart?"

"Don't make a sissy out of him", I scolded her.

She made me sit down and explained to me as a woman often has to explain to her man the eldest child in her family. " He says, mom , very soon I will be busy, with my friends in college and then my professional studies in Engineering,  my working career will dominate and marriage thereafter.  We have only these few years remaining,  that we can four spend real quality time together. I want to spend it with you both so that I can relish it all my life.  This is why I want us to be with you both. We will never have this time again. So please keep us close to you, while you can."

My macho arrogance had blinded me and had stolen my empathy and love. It had made me both senseless and heartless. Could I not have had the same conversation with my son as Mohini had? Why had I failed to hear and feel what he so dearly felt?

Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted to kick myself. How could I make it up to them? I went to his room and their he sat reading a book. He said, "Mom explained everything to me. Dad it's ok, that you cannot take us with you. You and mom have a great time. Pavit and I  will just chill out at home and watch TV."

I walked up to him, stood him up from his chair and embraced him real tight, and kissed him on his forehead. I said, "I am sorry, I refused you in the morning. On second thought, it will be a great idea if you came with us."

We all went together, the four of us, to the new year party. We sang and we danced, and we laughed until our stomachs ached. We then danced and laughed a lot more.. It was a fabulous, unforgettable fun filled evening.

Our sons have grown up and are now married, and Mohit is a father now. Everything has happened almost exactly as he foresaw it. 

With the onset of adulthood, intensity levels and differences in preference are more dramatic. This is only natural. We don't go to many functions or parties together with our children anymore. They devote more time at work,  devote quality time to to their wives, and are comfortable with their friends. 

Nowadays when the six of us do go out together, we still laugh a lot, but it is somewhat different. The love is strong, and that magic is still there, but it is not so overpowering anymore. Not so intense and definitely less insane. 

Always Wealthy

Always Wealthy

When they grow up, young birds leave the nest. So in 1985 three years after we got married, Mohini and I moved out from my parent's home to make space for the families of my two younger brothers.


We decided to  move to a small flat at Salunke Vihar on the outskirts of Pune. 

Salunke Vihar was a relatively large government built township meant to provide affordable housing at relatively low interest rates and soft payment terms, to our soldiers and their families. It was accessible from the main road only by a dirt road. In addition to retired people, the cheap rent attracted  many young couples like us, starting out afresh.

The township offered a large, open and safe space for families and children. The air was fresh and the community of residents friendly and caring. 

Accessibility was a challenge. Auto rickshaws rarely plied to that side and the bus service was pathetic and almost non existent. The nearest main road was 3 kilometres away, and therefore people often walked or had to depend on the  kindness of residents with vehicles.

Being a son of an industrialist albeit a small one, I was amongst the few people who owned a car in the society. Keeping with the spirit of the situation, every time we travelled the dirt road, we would offer a ride to fellow residents and even visitors. 

Every interaction provided stimulus to the mind and soul if one is open and receptive. Some good and some not so good, but always interesting. One encounter was fundamentally transformative. 

______________________________

It was about noon time on a hot May day where the summer peaks. It is never as hot in Pune as it is in other places like the Punjab or Delhi, but it was pretty uncomfortable.

I was driving to a meeting and in a hurry. I shot out of the main gate. Rounding the corner onto the dirt road, there I saw standing next to the road an elderly man,  with a small bag by his side.

Ram Singh ji

The elderly man was mopping his forehead and face. Though I was inclined, I debated for a second whether I had the time to stop and offer him a ride.

'Always trying to do good, I stopped to offer him a ride.'


The old man slowly shuffled up to and agonisingly slowly got into my car. He was taking so damn long, this old man was further delaying me. For a moment I questioned my decision to give him a ride.

_The old gentleman sensed my irritation. Speaking in Hindi he said, “Forgive me for the trouble and thank you so much son. May God bless you and keep you happy.” Now I felt a bit ashamed at my insensitivity._

Blessing me and thanking me, blessing me and thanking me, he went on and on. When he thanked me for about the fifth time, I interrupted him and told him, "You do not have to apologise nor thank me, its not an inconvenience at all, we are both on the same route anyway." I added that at least he was appreciative of my assistance, unlike some people who did not acknowledge my gestures.

He smiled and nodded his head and said, "I understand what you mean. May I ask you a question?"
Of course I like nothing more than an interesting conversation and that is why I probably gave people rides in the first place. I replied "No problem. Please ask."

"Why did you give me a lift?" He asked. " Did you see a man on the road and think that let me give him a ride and then he will feel obligated to me, or did your heart speak with your conscience and asked you to do a good deed to this old man and give him a much needed lift?" he added.

I told him that I felt compassion towards him and thought it would be nice to assist him.

He responded, “Does that not mean, you were only following your heart’s desire and did the good deed? So logically speaking, it should make no difference to you whether I thank you or am grateful to you or not?"

He continued “May I say that, your heart desired something and that you were able to accomplish it, that itself is your reward. If you have got your reward, it should matter not whether I thank you or not."

I was stunned by the realisation of a great truth that this wise old man just revealed.

He continued, "The poor of the world are not only those who do not have shelter or enough food, and other necessities. They are also those who cannot do what their heart desires. My son, you are blessed and truly wealthy for you are able to follow your heart’s desire."

We reached the main road in the few minutes we had this conversation, I was captivated and hungry for more of him. I wanted to hang on to this awesome man and never let him go. He however insisted that I drop him there at the bus stop.

I waited for a minute and then his bus arrived. He stepped onto the bus which slowly disappeared out of sight and physically out of my life. But the old gentleman and his presence and words will be with me for ever.

____________

I contemplated what had just transpired. I felt foolish about my puny ego. In a matter of five minutes this seemingly insignificant yet great man had shaken me awake and transformed my life.

I learnt that unhappiness stems from unfilled expectations. If I had no expectations for the good that I did to others, I would give more, and yet be happier. Was it not my good fortune that I had the God given opportunity to be compassionate?

Life is made up of good times and not so good times. I was sometimes broke, but I was never poor. The valuable lesson I learnt that afternoon has transformed me.


I learnt that the the joy is in the doing and not in the expectation of the fruit. I would do what I had to and let The universe do the rest.

I realised, I will always be wealthy, because I follow my heart.

___________

About Guru Wonder:

Blog I Website I Facebook I Twitter I linkedin