Why are friendships sometimes lost?

 

In spite of wanting to see his friend, the  wise man restrained himself, thus not visiting his friend for many days.

When he did go to visit him, his friend remonstrated, 'Why have you taken so long to visit?'

The wise man replied, 'It is better than you asking me, why have you come again?'

Friendships are strained and even lost by interacting either too rarely or too often.

Friendship is like a 'Diya', an oil lamp. It requires a regular supply of fuel oil to keep  the flame of friendship alive. 

Meeting rarely or staying out of touch for long periods, is like depriving the lamp of sufficient oil. As a result the flame flickers and eventually dies out. 

Meeting too often is like pouring an excess of oil into the lamp, thus extinguishing the flame. Only the empty lamp remains, possibly with a few sparks but there is no flame. So it is with friendship.

Another way of understanding why friendships do not sustain is, what I describe as threshold capacity of one's personal space.

Each person has his or her threshold of having other people in their physical, intellectual, and emotional space.

Some need and want more, others a lot less.

Spending a lot of time sharing space with others, like in the army, or in travelling or working intimately together, being a member of a large and active joint family,  or having spent an extended time at boarding schools etc. it tends to enhance the threshold of accepting people in our life space.

Hence, I have a very high threshold for accommodating a large number of high intensity interactions simultaneously.   On the other hand my wife Mohini and some of my friends have a low threshold. They need the comfort of their private space a lot more and calibrate their lives accordingly.  

When friends, even good ones with widely different thresholds share their personal space, then, either sparks fly or exhaustion causes them to withdraw.

The solution is to be sensitive and understand the threshold levels of others. 

Unfortunately people sometimes misjudge or forget where that threshold level is, and I am one of them.

Note: Understanding and respecting the threshold is applicable not only to friendships but in fact all relationships. It is key to achieving success and realising happiness.

You don't love me

The wife came into the room, snatched the remote control, switched off the TV and said,  "You do not love me".

"Hey! What are you doing? The match is at a crucial stage. "
"See you don't love me, a stupid match is more important than me"
'Damn, how could you say such a thing?" Her flabbergasted husband asked.
"I am breaking my back and killing myself to take care of you and our family".
"Have you forgotten the jewellery I bought you for your last birthday?"
" Did I not take you to Europe for our anniversary?"
"I did this ..., and I did that ...'  and I bought you that .....,  blah blah."
"Don't I give you enough money for your comforts and to enjoy yourself?"

The wife replied, "You are impossible. I am getting this feeling for quite some time now.I will repeat it again and again, you don't love me. You think all that matters is money?"


"I don't understand you at all", he said, taking the house keys and slamming the door shut as he left the house, to figure out the complex and incomprehensible nature of women.


He walked briskly trying to cool his mind. Soon he felt tired and sat on the bench next to the kind and elderly Mrs. Kochhar.  She always looked calm with a serene face.

___________________________________

"Hello Gurdeep, you look upset?
"Yes Aunty, I just had a fight with my wife.  I can't understand her. What more does she want from me?"

Mrs. Kochhar heard Gurdeep  pour his heart out, and she tapped the back of his hand, comfortingly and said, "Don't worry these things happen in all marriages, and they eventually sort themselves out."

Mrs. Kochhar: "May I ask you some questions?"
Gurdeep: "No problems, please ask."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How many years have you been married?"
Gurdeep: "Four years."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How long did your courtship last?"
Gurdeep: "About a year."
Mrs. Kochhar: "How did you spend your time during your courtship?"

Gurdeep: "Oh! We went for long walks, went to the movies, shopping, she loves to trek so we used  to go quite often during the weekend on treks, you know stuff like that."

Mrs. Kochhar: "In the last year how often did you go to the movies, or go for walks or treks?"

Gurdeep: "Hardly, I don't have the time.  My work is too demanding."
Mrs. Kochhar: "Do you really love your wife?"

Gurdeep: "At this moment, I am so angry that I am not so sure, but in my heart I feel I love her."
Mrs. Kochhar: "If you love her, then when was the last time you made her feel that you loved her?" She continued, "Beta, a woman can be pleased by gifts and things, only for a while. If you love her then show her, do the things that show that you love her. Ignoring her or taking her for granted is not the best way to show your love."

Mrs. Kochhar: "All she is trying to say to you is, **'love me or even hate me, but never be indifferent to me'**. A woman will never tell you that directly, because no one can beg for love or security or even attention. Love has to be felt not told or purchased."

Gurdeep went home, saw the untouched food on the table. Crept into the darkened bedroom and got into the bed next to his wife. He cautiously snuggled up to her and whispered into her ear,  I am sorry, I shouted at you, I love you."

She just turned around and gave him a hug. Her wet face showed that she had been crying.

At that moment Gurdeep learnt another important lesson of life which eludes many men. 

When your woman complains that you do not love her, all she is saying is 
'Don't ignore me. I want your attention, to show me that you care for me and our relationship.'
He should not demean the relationship by reminding her how much he has provided for her materially. While she appreciates his providing or gifting her things, she wants to know and feel that he loves her and cares for her.
This is one of the secrets of a healthy relationship. Not to take the other for granted. 

Give her your friendship and love, and your genuine attention. Spend time to listen to her. It may seem trivial or irrelevant, but it may be important to her or she just wants to bond. Try to indulge her a little and see your life being transformed for the better. You will most likely live each day happily, more respected and definitely much more loved.

Of course there is no guarantee but, you will probably never again hear the words, 'You don't love me'.

           

Females make me nervous

                     
                             















I grew up in an all boys boarding school, and went to engineering college  where there were almost no girls. All the teachers were men. 

My interaction with females was very limited except for my mother a few aunts, my  two elder sisters and a few of their friends who only thought of me and my brothers just as little boys. For me females were alien.

I grew up with two ridiculous and extreme views of females. One they were pure, angelic, goddesses  and the other learnt from naughty books and magazines, that they were mere sex objects.

I made friends with girls but could never sustain a friendship with them because I could not understand them therefore unable to sustain a meaningful relationship. Those that I put on a pedestal as Goddesses usually found me dry and boring. Those I treated as objects mainly thought me uncouth and obnoxious. 

I thought I was an exception but many male associates, friends, and former classmates usually from God fearing, religiously inclined, good families held the same sort of stupid beliefs. Our noble opinions are shaped by romantic novels and romantic movies, history and literature.  Nowadays magazines, television, internet and cinema usually portray females as conniving, petty minded evil creatures. 

We men dehumanise females by either idolising them or by being dismissive of them.

Educationists and religious zealots may think it is good idea to separate males and females but it is unnatural and unhealthy. 
Boys and young men from segregated environments inevitably encounter difficulty in relationships and marriage. The most natural thing of engaging with women as colleagues, clients, and as friends always remain a challenge. They avoid females, and even if they do engage with them its often in a dehumanising manner. They cannot be respectful because they know nothing about the other half.

What can be done to build healthier societies?

Young children up to age 9 or 10 should all go to coeducational schools and playgrounds. It is sexually safe, and emotionally healthy. 

Young children are brutally frank and in these early years of their lives they are inquisitive and open. They have no hardened opinions save those planted in their innocent minds and hearts by teachers, parents and priests.

Just before the onset of puberty girls and boys may be separated until they are ready to go to college or go to work. Sexual attraction will be there, as it is perfectly natural, but it will be healthy, respectful and friendly. 

We talk of love, and building a better world, but how can we love humanity when we cannot be respectful or friends with half of humanity? 




Where there is no understanding there can be little respect. Without respect friendship is not possible. Love can blossom only if there is respect and friendship.

p.s.
What do I know about the problems and challenges that females from segregated backgrounds encounter? 
I don't know, I feel too nervous to ask them.

May I have your autograph?

It was two years ago when our son Pavit was in Mumbai and dropped in  at the Bharat Petroleum pump on Bandra Linking road to meet his young uncle Amarprit Sawhney (Amar).  They chatted for a while when they were interrupted by one of the employees. The employee was asking for permission to leave to go to the home of one of legendary Indian cricketer Sachin Tendulkar.

Sachin possessed a Ferrari car gifted to him by the Fiat company for Sachin's outstanding performance in one of the tournaments. The vehicle needed special fuel to operate and this was  supplied by the oil giant Bharat Petroleum (BPCL).  Amar's petrol station is well reputed for its excellent service and efficiency, therefore BPCL had requested Amar to personally take care of the select prestigious clients, such as Sachin Tendulkar.

Amar asked Pavit if he would like to meet Mr. Tendulkar.
Which right thinking youngster n India could turn down such an invitation?

They loaded the special fuel into the vehicle and they set off for Sachin's home.
As luck would have it, while the technician did the check up and pumped the fuel, Sachin strolled out from his house.

After exchanging greetings, they began to chat. Pavit recalls how modest and soft spoken the great cricketer was. They chatted about many things and then Pavit asked Sachin "I would have thought you more comfortable in a Mercedes car rather than in the simple cars parked in your driveway."

Sachin responded "We Tendulkars are simple folks, we believe in simple living." I have been presented with many cars icluding 37 Mercedes cars."
Pavit asked "Thirty seven Mercedes cars? How do you manage so many cars? Where do you fit them?"
Sachin replied " I do not  need to fit them. I have gifted them all to friends and relatives. You cannot believe how happy it made them and how much I enjoyed sharing my things with people I love."

He then offered Pavit to sit in the Ferrari. Pavit was ecstatic with the experience.
After a while as Pavit and Amar  were leaving. Pavit could't resist asking Sachin for an autograph. When Sachin saw that Pavit had nothing to take the autograph on he smiled and said "Wait here, I will be right back."
Sachin returned a few minutes later with a note book pulled out a leaf  and autographed it in front of Pavit.

Gushing with excitement at having met such a great and true man. He called us up at home to share the experience.

When he returned home,  he narrated his experience to us in great detail.  I asked to see the autograph. He sheepishly said "I don't have it, I gave it to a friend."
Mohit his elder brother screamed at him " Are you crazy? Why did you do such a daft thing?"

Pavit said " I learnt many things from Sachin Tendulkar in the short time I was able to spend with him. I gave the autograph to my friend Akhil because it would mean so much to him"

It was another day for us to learn so much more about friendship, modesty and greatness.