Please, keep us close to you.

Last year Mohini and I spent a quiet new year's eve. We visited the Gurudwara followed by a quiet dinner. Then the rest of the evening and night was spent at home, babysitting and enjoying the antics of our two naughty grandsons.

As we grey, we spend a lot of time reminiscing. We recalled a new year we celebrated many, many years ago, in 1996.

"Dad, can we come with you and mom this  evening to the new year party?" asked our 15 year old son, Mohit, accompanied by his 13 year old sibling, Pavit.

"Of course not", I retorted. "Don't cling to us. You better go along with your friends. That is who you should be spending your new year time with."

It didn't bother me the least, that Mohit, looked crest fallen, for I was making a man out of my son. He had to learn to be strong and independent.

In fact, I felt damn proud of myself, as I left for work.

That evening Mohini my wife asked, "What did you say to Mohit? Why can't the boys come with us? I have spoken to our friends, and they are quite comfortable if the boys come with us to the dinner and party. Please let them come."

"No! My decision is made, and please don't argue with me", I said curtly.

"Do you know what your son said? Do you have any idea what is going on in that young boy's mind and heart?" Mohini asked.

"Don't make a sissy out of him", I scolded her.

She sat me down and quoted Mohit. 

"Mom, very soon I will be busy, with my friends in college and then my professional studies in engineering.  My studies and career will consume nearly all my time and marriage thereafter. We have only these few years remaining,  that the four of us can spend real quality time together. We will never have this time again." 

He continued "I want to spend these years with you both and Pavit so that I can relish these times for all my life.  This is why I want us to be with you.  So Mama, please keep us close to you, while you can."

My macho arrogance, had blinded me and had stolen my empathy and love. It had made me both senseless and heartless. 

Could I not have had the same conversation with my son as Mohini had? 

Why had I failed to hear and feel what our son so dearly felt?

In this matter, who was showing greater wisdom and maturity, the father or the son?

Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted to kick myself. How could I make it up to him? I went to his room, and there he sat reading a book. 

With a weak smile he said, "Mom explained everything to me. Dad, it's ok, if you cannot take us with you. You and mom have a great time. Pavit and I will just chill out at home and watch TV."

I walked up to him, grasped his shoulders, stood him up. I embraced him real tight, and kissed him on his forehead. I said, "I am sorry, I refused you in the morning. On second thought, its a great idea that you came with us."

The four of us went together, to the new year party. We joked about and laughed so much that our stomachs ached, we danced until our legs hurt.  Then we danced and laughed even more... . The easy spontaneity,  fun, bonding and love, made it a fabulous, unforgettable happy evening, 

Thanks to Mohini and our sons, I became a better father and human being. 

Now 22 years later everything has happened almost exactly as Mohit foresaw it.  Even though we all stay together, our lives travelling in different orbits, allow us fewer  occasions to spend time together.

Our sons have grown up, are married, and fathers now. Its but natural that they devote their lives to the future. Their time is devoted to their work, wives, children, friends and associates. We have to struggle to find quality time as a joint family. 

Nowadays when the six of us and our grandsons get to spend time together, we still enjoy ourselves a lot, but it is somewhat different. The love and the magic is there, but it is not so overpowering anymore. Its not so intense and definitely less insane. 

.

Mohini and I draw consolation from Khalil Gibran's words, "Our children come through us, but they belong not to us ........". 

My children and I, We are not friends.

My children and I, we are not friends.


During a visit to Kolkata, my cousin Raja, a deep and wonderful man, asked me, "How would you describe your relationship with your children?"

Puffing my chest out, proudly, I replied, "Why,
we are friends."

He replied, "Forgive me Veer ji for pointing it out, but your children have many friends, where as they have only one set of parents. The only people who will be firm and honest with people are their parents and their genuine teachers."

I was irritated that my cousin 15 years younger than me, should even think this way. "How old fashioned and outdated was his outlook?" As with disturbance to deeply held beliefs, Raja's statement disturbed me. 

When I returned from Kolkata, I decided to ask my children over Sunday lunch, about defining our relationship. We discussed my trip and what all had transpired. 

Eventually I got around to  my conversation with Raja. I then asked them,  "Do you think I should be more of a friend or less of a friend to you guys?

Both my sons replied in unison and without hesitation, "Less of a friend".
I was flabbergasted, and felt somewhat disappointed. I had to know why they said that.

Then Mohit our elder son said, "Dad we love and respect you, but you know, with friends there are no boundaries, and sometimes, we take you for granted. When we treat you as a friend  we often say or behave silly, sometimes even disrespectful. When we behave like that with you, and even though you never get offended, we  deeply regret it. This is why, it is better that we be more respectful, than friendly."

"Wow! I did not see that one coming", I told myself. 

I realised it is the fashion to be friends with one's children, but there is big difference between being friends and being friendly.

Maybe you should ask yourself and your children the same question.

Please, keep us near

Mohini and I spent this new year eve staying at home to look after our grandson and each other. A visit to the Gurudwara (Sikh temple), followed by a quiet dinner and a surprise visit by our friends Anupam and Priya.

As we grey, we spend half the time looking back and reminiscing. We recalled a new year we celebrated 16 years ago.

"Dad, I want to welcome the new year in with you and mom. Can we come with you to the party you are going with your friends on new years eve?" asked our son Mohit. He was 15 and our younger son Pavit was 13 at that time.

"Of course not", I retorted. "You better go along with your friends, that is who you should be spending your new year time with." 

I simply ignored Mohit's sad and crest fallen look. I was making a man out of my son, he had to learn to be strong and independent. In fact, I felt damn proud of myself as I left for work.

That evening Mohini my wife asked, "What did you say  to Mohit? Why can't the boys come with us? I have spoken to our friends, they are quite comfortable if our boys come with us to the dinner and dance. Please let them come."

"No my decision is made and please don't argue with me", I said curtly.

"Do you know what your son said? Do you have any idea what is going on in that young boy's mind and heart?"

"Don't make a sissy out of him", I scolded her.

She made me sit down and explained to me as a woman often has to explain to her man the eldest child in her family. " He says, mom , very soon I will be busy, with my friends in college and then my professional studies in Engineering,  my working career will dominate and marriage thereafter.  We have only these few years remaining,  that we can four spend real quality time together. I want to spend it with you both so that I can relish it all my life.  This is why I want us to be with you both. We will never have this time again. So please keep us close to you, while you can."

My macho arrogance had blinded me and had stolen my empathy and love. It had made me both senseless and heartless. Could I not have had the same conversation with my son as Mohini had? Why had I failed to hear and feel what he so dearly felt?

Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted to kick myself. How could I make it up to them? I went to his room and their he sat reading a book. He said, "Mom explained everything to me. Dad it's ok, that you cannot take us with you. You and mom have a great time. Pavit and I  will just chill out at home and watch TV."

I walked up to him, stood him up from his chair and embraced him real tight, and kissed him on his forehead. I said, "I am sorry, I refused you in the morning. On second thought, it will be a great idea if you came with us."

We all went together, the four of us, to the new year party. We sang and we danced, and we laughed until our stomachs ached. We then danced and laughed a lot more.. It was a fabulous, unforgettable fun filled evening.

Our sons have grown up and are now married, and Mohit is a father now. Everything has happened almost exactly as he foresaw it. 

With the onset of adulthood, intensity levels and differences in preference are more dramatic. This is only natural. We don't go to many functions or parties together with our children anymore. They devote more time at work,  devote quality time to to their wives, and are comfortable with their friends. 

Nowadays when the six of us do go out together, we still laugh a lot, but it is somewhat different. The love is strong, and that magic is still there, but it is not so overpowering anymore. Not so intense and definitely less insane. 

How would you like it?

We human beings are somewhat the same underneath these masks that we wear and the games that we play. I think it is great that we get an occasional reality check.

Inside many of us lurks a dominating bully if only we could find someone to torment. Many parents, teachers and bosses are guilty of this offense.
We accumulate our frustrations with other people and things and bring that garbage back with us, only to dump them on the people who love us most, our family and friends.
One day I got upset at a trivial act of Mohit my son who was 15 at that time. I ranted and was an inexcusably horrible person.

After 10 minutes I had physically exhausted all my frustration, but my ego made me feel that I was completely justified in my conduct. Mohit looked at me straight in the eye and asked, "Dad, how would you feel  if I spoke to you in the same manner?"

Respectfully and in one soft spoken question my son deflated me of all my toxic anger and I felt terribly stupid and deeply ashamed. I realised that day that my son had grown up into a giant of a personality whereas I felt I had somewhat shrivelled.

Tears came to my eyes and  I hugged Mohit. It was then that he broke down sobbing uncontrollably. It has been 15 years since that incident and never again did I speak with anyone again in that thoughtless and rude manner.

The child is indeed the father of man.