Why are friendships sometimes lost?

 

In spite of wanting to see his friend, the  wise man restrained himself, thus not visiting his friend for many days.

When he did go to visit him, his friend remonstrated, 'Why have you taken so long to visit?'

The wise man replied, 'It is better than you asking me, why have you come again?'

Friendships are strained and even lost by interacting either too rarely or too often.

Friendship is like a 'Diya', an oil lamp. It requires a regular supply of fuel oil to keep  the flame of friendship alive. 

Meeting rarely or staying out of touch for long periods, is like depriving the lamp of sufficient oil. As a result the flame flickers and eventually dies out. 

Meeting too often is like pouring an excess of oil into the lamp, thus extinguishing the flame. Only the empty lamp remains, possibly with a few sparks but there is no flame. So it is with friendship.

Another way of understanding why friendships do not sustain is, what I describe as threshold capacity of one's personal space.

Each person has his or her threshold of having other people in their physical, intellectual, and emotional space.

Some need and want more, others a lot less.

Spending a lot of time sharing space with others, like in the army, or in travelling or working intimately together, being a member of a large and active joint family,  or having spent an extended time at boarding schools etc. it tends to enhance the threshold of accepting people in our life space.

Hence, I have a very high threshold for accommodating a large number of high intensity interactions simultaneously.   On the other hand my wife Mohini and some of my friends have a low threshold. They need the comfort of their private space a lot more and calibrate their lives accordingly.  

When friends, even good ones with widely different thresholds share their personal space, then, either sparks fly or exhaustion causes them to withdraw.

The solution is to be sensitive and understand the threshold levels of others. 

Unfortunately people sometimes misjudge or forget where that threshold level is, and I am one of them.

Note: Understanding and respecting the threshold is applicable not only to friendships but in fact all relationships. It is key to achieving success and realising happiness.

Who is a friend?

 

"Everyone is the other and no one is himself."

~ Martin Heidegger

Goodbye dear father.

On the 1st day of Sept with a gurgle and a cough my father left this world just as he arrived into it.

Concerned friends and relatives, dutifully tried to console me.
I was inconsolable because my mindless heart could not stop crying.
I was unduly brave because my heartless mind refused to let me grieve.

Some said it was an auspicious day to die. How can any day be a good day to lose someone you love?

Brilliant, hardworking, witty and charming, our father Man Singh ji 1928 -2014) was an extraordinary teacher and man. Even in his passing on from this world he continued to provide valuable lessons.

Dad's life was a very long roller coaster ride, achieving great heights and many precipitous falls. Yet the spirit of such people always remains strong. They are warriors fighting against great odds and overcoming challenges.

Dad and Uncle Manohar Singh ji, created great fortunes against huge odds only to lose them due to greater misfortune time and again. 'Never give up', was their motto. yet when this life's journey's end is near the good soul knows when to give in to His will.

My dad had been bidding farewell gently, from the past three years. His vision dimmed, hearing gone, and his speech almost silent. Dad's being was blanketed by wonderful grace and an erie calmness.

Maybe God answered Dad's prayers by taking away all anger, ego and greed from him. It was a blessing, for dad stopped judging people and events. He saw only goodness and wonder in everyone and everything.

We spent many mornings together and I learnt much by being with him. I want to share this learning with you.

In spite of having much to be angry and resentful about, dad's heart was at peace, filled with humility, love and compassion he sought forgiveness from one and all. He meditated and prayed a lot. 

Especially when young, 'Man the Animal' is selfish and filled with insatiable greed for power, wealth and influence. As people age and if they are blessed, 'Man the Saint' is filled with understanding, love and compassion, and like a pendulum our lives swing between these two extremes. 

Failings my dad had many. Drive and intelligence he had even more. Kindness and  compassion he possessed beyond belief. My dad was an enigma. Come to think of it, most children can never understand their parents. All that lucky children can get, is the opportunity to appreciate and take advantage of the bounty of love and learning that they get showered with by their parents.

The soul always knows what is right, but rarely do we listen to it, because the mind will not be still. This is what prayer and then mediation is all about, the ability to listen to the soul.

Therefore the search for truth and understanding is never an outward journey but an inward journey. A journey to the core of our existence which is possible only by meditating.

The soul is like a Hans (Swan) which wants to soar to the heavens and reunite with God but it is shackled to this material world by our lust, greed, attachments, anger and ego. 

God has been kind to my father in the past several years by unshackling him almost completely from all these normal human traits. I pray that He will receive and accept my father Man Singh ji and grant his soul peace.

* Goodbye is a short form of 'God be with you'

India at 67

The further we travel the more we long to return to our origin. We have to step out to look in. After many years of travelling, visiting numerous countries and people, I want to return home. Not the physical home, but where my heart lies, to discover my country and people, and in doing so learn who am I.

A land and its people are best understood by its history, culture and art. The journey is meaningful only when made using the native language. Therein lies the problem for most of us Indians including me, even if they be moneyed, are in a position of power or influence. 

Our history has been rewritten and handed down to us by the former colonialists and perpetuated by an education system that is designed to glorify their achievements while heaping ridicule and shame on Indians. Yet we accept it all unquestioningly.

Our identity and culture has been grievously harmed by the systematic destruction of many of the components of our society, that made India great for millennia and attracted invaders in the first place. Our art and heritage has been stolen by the invaders and now adorn living rooms and museums across the world as trophies. 

Worst of all is our own mother tongue and our languages which are so rich are now shunned by us. We are incapable of or feel embarrassed to speak in Hindi, Punjabi, Tamil etc, lest we be considered country bumpkins. The mistaken notion that Indian languages and literature are inferior to the English language and European literature is implanted and stubbornly ingrained in our minds. Further this opinion is constantly reinforced by leaders, teachers and the media of our own country.

We are now effectively disconnected from ourselves and somewhat confused because we do not know who we are. We want to be like the Europeans who ruled us or the Americans to copy them blindly to adopt a culture, thinking working and lifestyles, which are often inappropriate for us.

I ask you, are we really free? I believe we are not free, unless we discover ourselves as real Indians

We are a continent sized nation, that has been adrift for a very long time. Populated by an amazing range of people with rich culture, who are not only intelligent but possess great talent.  A great future awaits us as Individuals and as a nation, we just need to find ourselves. In a sense to be reborn. To become truly rich in every sense if we choose to.

To rekindle our lost spirit, be materially and spiritually rich once again, it is essential that we respect, appreciate and acquire all that is beautiful, great and useful from other cultures and lands.

English no doubt has now become the internationally accepted language for science and commerce. No doubt, we must not only learn English and be proficient in its use, but must we forsake our own languages and hence lose the vital link with our culture and heritage?

Let us not hold grudges or condemn anyone. Past history cannot be changed, however a magnificent history can be created in the future, by being the best that we Indians have the potential to be.

I have already begun my journey and made some progress. I hope you have discovered or have begun discovering the authentic person and Indian in you. My friend, it is then that you can claim to be independent. Until then please forgive me for not congratulating you this Independence day.

It is a always better to be an imperfect version of yourself then to try and be a perfect copy of someone else.

Smile

Most of my friends and all of my family believe me to be eccentric, like a billionaire just without the billions. Come to think of it, the world can be an amazing place if you are a bit eccentric.

The gift of life is so fascinating that it can be regarded as one giant laboratory. Everyday presents numerous opportunities to increase both my knowledge and appreciation of people.

I love life and all that it offers. Maybe that is why it is easy for me to smile and laugh. I often smile at strangers sitting in their cars and bikes stuck in traffic or at traffic signals. Here is what I discovered.

Most people and I connect for a few seconds and a smile grows on their faces, sometimes we exchange greetings, or even have a very brief conversation.

Probably being more relaxed, passengers tend to be more interactive than drivers.

Toddlers and young children are the most receptive and invariably smile back. They continue to gawk, smile and wave until I move out of sight.

Youngsters between 10 to 20 years of age are most reluctant to respond. They mostly look at me with the expression "I know people like you, who try to be friendly but are actually dangerous". This I attribute, to loss of innocence. They have begun to learn that the world is far from ideal and most adults cannot be trusted.

Young adults and middle aged people are too preoccupied chasing tasks and problems in their lives to acknowledge the existence of humanity and life. They are mostly dismissive, because if you are being nice to them, you probably want something therefore you can't be of any consequence.

The elderly are glad that their existence is acknowledged. Sometimes they get confused but most often they beam a smile, and are most chatty.

Officials of all kinds and people in expensive vehicles usually have a scowl on their face. They invariably have a frown and almost always give me that look that says, "What in hell, is the matter with you?" I can't get it.  had money and power why do they appear unhappy?

Here are some quotes on smile.

• A smile is a curve that straightens things out.
• A smile is the shortest distance between two hearts.
• It takes 6 muscles to smile and 120 muscles to frown.
• It is easy to conceal your grief but impossible to hide one's joy, a sign of a happy spirit.

The end of my experiments always leaves me with more questions than when I started. Maybe I am a lousy researcher, but who cares? I am celebrating life.

I realise that, I am not a human on a spiritual journey but a spirit on a human journey.

Keep Smiling

The reflective individual

It is dawn now at the Ashram of Sant Baba Ishwar Singh ji on the outskirt of Dehradun. Rising each morning at 4 am I join the morning meditation and prayer at 4:30. followed by a couple of hours of silent contemplation before breakfast. The ashram provides a perfect place for rejuvenation.


An ashram literally means a sheltered abode. A shelter need not be only of the physical kind that protects the body. A true shelter envelopes also the mind and the spirit, allowing the individual to connect with the life giving energy of the cosmos. Known by numerous names this life force normally called God has to be experienced not learnt.


Only where there is love, friendship, peace and understanding can a house become a home. Similarly an ashram comes alive with the presence of a living Guru. The presence of the teacher/ master called Guru provides the recharging energy and wisdom at the ashram.


Visiting a mere structure has little meaning and acts more like a spiritual placebo, providing a superficial feeling of goodness which soon vanishes leaving the soul and the inner person untouched.


At the ashram my tensions ebb away as I sit here and contemplate and observe the monsoon fury which is so easily absorbed by the forest at whose edge the ashram is nestled.


Pursuing people and things, we are so busy in our daily lives experiencing love, hate, greed, lust etc. Yet we learn almost nothing from our experiences unless we reflect (look back and review) and analyse whatever happens.




Genuinely happy and successful people are often spiritually strong for they are in touch with their inner self. To connect with their inner being, they look inwards and reflect. It is however difficult to reflect on our experiences with the constant and omnipresent din of our social environment. We need a getaway place.


The quest for a getaway is initially a physical place, but we soon learn that it fulfills only a small part of our craving. The fortunate ones learn that the getaway is a spiritual place and within our own very being.


This spiritual place can be found within us but for which a living master is required. This master called a Guru leads people to discover their own inner space. This is the place where we hear, see, and feel not only ourselves but the entire creation. Peace, joy and understanding come to the reflective mind and spirit.


The first part of our spiritual journey takes us only to the inner space where we reflect. This reflection is useful if it is evaluated appropriately. Our reflection is tested against our values acquired from our parents, teachers and society at large. Much of this is material and some of it spiritual.


Like a beacon of light the Guru's teachings illuminates a way forward, helping the individual to choose between right and wrong. The Guru provides the precious touchstone for making the right choice.


It is helpful that each night before we fall asleep and review in a few minutes the entire day like one watches a movie. Reflecting on what transpired, one can judge what should have been done or said rather than what actually took place. This provides the seed for  corrective actions in future words and deeds. 



Truly reflective people exists simultaneously on two planes. They interact physically on the social plane yet their spirit and  mind operates at a higher plane making them happier and enabling them to be more  successful.