A question of love

We are not a half, looking for the other half to complete us.
We are complete by ourselves. 

What we term as 'needing love' is the need for sympathy, understanding, compassion, friendship or even sex.

Those who demand love are beggars, those who give it are emperors.
Both never tire. The former, of asking, always remains dissatisfied and unhappy, the latter of giving, and always happy.

Even if we seem to have lost love, we can always regain it.  Because love is not something to be acquired, it is something to be given. 

It is a good time to ask ourselves, 'Am I a beggar or an emperor?'

How Pakistan wants to save Kashmiris and Indian Muslims

Cartoon by Pakistani Cartoonist Sabir Nawaz

Charitable and Happy

I often met Prakash when I go for my walks. A decent chap, he has rather unusual opinions on most matters because of which he and I often land up sparring. Our passionate debates on a wide range of topics sometimes provide me with interesting and alternate perspectives.

The government had just announced another steep hike in the already absurd fuel prices. A group of us sipped tea and complained like all good but impotent citizens. We bemoaned the declining standards of morals and character and the surging costs of living. Someone commented that the government actions would only increase the numbers of the poor and they would be hard pressed to make ends meet.

Prakash then made a statement which almost killed all conversation. "Who is to say who is  poor? Many of these beggars are just to lazy to work and find it easier to beg for a living. In addition many  of those who claim they are poor are not even worthy of helping for they are  aggressive and rude. I will never give anything to a beggar again, they do not deserve the charity they receive for they are ungrateful" he said in tone of finality.

After a minute of silence in our conversation, I asked him why was he so agitated.

It seemed that whenever Prakash tried to be charitable, he always had an unpleasant experience. He narrated his previous day's experience.

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Prakash's wife Chanda is deeply religious. She visits the temple everyday. She offers prayers and then gives alms and food to the poor who invariably congregate outside such places.  

Prakash the dutiful husband always accompanies her driving her to the temple and back. One day unable to find parking space, Prakash happily volunteered to stay in the car while Chanda went for her daily appointment with God.

Lost in thought Prakash was soon jarred out of his reverie by a persistent tapping on his elbow. A middle aged woman stretched her palm out at him, begging. Prakash had received some good news the previous evening and felt expansive. He dropped ten rupees into the outstretched hand.  The lady looked blankly at Prakash and said, "I am hungry, give me more."


At that time 10 rupees was enough to have a working meal. An astonished and upset Prakash flew into a rage. He ticked the woman off and she in return cussed and  hobbled off with a scowl on her face. 

That was the incident that a visibly upset Prakash shared with us. He said "instead of being grateful the horrible woman abused me."

I felt sorry, but could not figure out for whom. An example of a charitable act, resulting not in joy but in disgust.


I asked Prakash whether he expected anything in return for his act of charity 
"Of course!" he said, "I expected a smile, some  acknowledgement maybe even a blessing, but the woman  .. she was simply horrible"

While professional expectations heightens our performance and therefore important, the opposite applies in our personal life. Expectations from love, friendship, parenthood, service, prayer, charity etc. almost always disappoint. This is because with every expectation comes the seed of a disappointment, that of unfulfilled expectations.

This is why our elders used to say, "Do good and forget about it" I have learnt that lesson long ago, I hope Prakash will do so too in the near future.



This habit of mine of analyzing everything and reflecting on various encounters and interactions compelled me to think about charity and giving. Here are some thoughts which I share with you.

We can give of our possessions, but greater still is to give of ourselves our time mind and heart.

What goes around comes around. Have we not be given much? So why do we hesitate to give?  

Have we not yet learnt that nothing is really ours? Neither this wealth nor these relationships, not even this body is ours for long.  A day will come when all that we possess will be taken away from us. Is everything not transient and temporary?

In our materialistic world we are always doing deals, forever transacting business in give and take selfish relationships. This could possibly be the root cause of much of our unhappiness.

Unhappiness is caused by unfulfilled expectations. So to be happy we must either be able to fulfill our expectations or have no expectations. To be happy in giving, one must make the choice what to give and how to give it and then unconditionally give with no expectations of some glory, benefit or profit.

Our well may be small but it is likely to be full. Yet when we hoard the water, is it not a thirst that is unquenchable? Let us not be like King Midas who had so much gold but remained hungry and unhappy.

Would it not be wise and noble if we ask nothing in return for our charity and assistance, for our love and our friendship? I believe we would be happier and maybe even carefree. Let us stop demanding to own the souls of people we help and love. Let us not burden people with the crushing weight of our charity.



If you really want the biggest bang for your charity work, just try and give and expect nothing in return. 

Try it. Give truly unconditionally and 
experience how your spirit will soar to the heavens, for you would no more be a human, but an angel.

I thought they were poor.

6th December 1993. It was my noble Father in law Major Mohinder Singh ji's 7th death anniversary. 

Mohini, my gentle hearted wife wanted to do something thoughtful as a tribute to her father. We agreed that it would be nice to provide warm shawls to the poor. So we bought a 100 woolen shawls and distributed some to the cook, maid chauffeur and the watchmen and some underprivileged people in the immediate neighbourhood. 

The problem with the Sikh people is they are a hardworking and therefore a prosperous community.  We therefore had no clue where we would find poor people in Pune so we decided to drive around at night and find homeless people and gift them the remaining 85 shawls. Better still we would take our young sons Mohit (10) and Pavit (8) to accompany us to learn about charity.

We were amazed that we could not find any homeless person. Damn! You can't find beggars when you want them. After about 20 min of cruising around in the cold we eventually saw a man sitting cross legged under a tree wearing only a loin cloth.

Mohini asked the boys to gift the shawls with their own hands. So the boys eagerly grabbed one shawl and ran up to him and said "Namaste! it is very cold, we would like you to have this shawl to keep you warm." The boys were shocked when the man snatched the shawl and flung it in the other direction. He scowled at the boys and they fled back to the car.

We drove towards the railway station, there would certainly be some poor people there. After about half an hour, we finally spotted a man sitting on the pavement with two medium sized plastic shopping bags. He appeared lost in thought. Our sons cautiously walked up to him and handed him a shawl.

He was taken aback. He returned the shawl saying, "I don't need this shawl." The boys pressed him to keep it saying that "Don't worry you don't have to pay for it. It's a gift and it will keep you warm during these cold winter nights."

He replied in a strange tone, "I am already struggling to cope with so many possessions" and he pointed to the two plastic bags. "Please take your shawl back as I have no place to keep it. Thank you for your kindness but I am quite comfortable."

Confused and dejected the boys returned back to the car. They refused to proceed with the charity effort that night.

Mohit said "Really strange, we thought these guys were poor, but they behave like they are very wealthy,  mom do you think they are crazy? He is content with his meagre possessions and no roof over his head." He asked "Dad, mom, how can that be possible?"

We had no answer as we drove back home silently, each of us lost in our thoughts, mulling over what had just transpired. It has been 22 years since that incident but none of us speaks about charity in the same arrogant patronising manner anymore. Much, much later we finally came to realise the meaning of that evening.

• The rich are not those who have much but those that have stopped desiring more.
• By accepting the donation the recipient defines the donor.                                                        

The next day we handed the remaining shawls to the Gurudwara* for distribution to the needy.

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A Gurudwara - is a place of congregation for Sikhs to hold religious discourses. They also feed the needy.