A word is worth a million images

A word when read or heard will form a unique image in the mind of the listener or reader. Unique because each individual has his or her own perspective on everything, which exist within the reality they have created for themselves.  For example take the word 'love', it will form a different image in each individual's mind. Each image viewed differently for the same reality.

For each word, billions of people, can potentially envision billions of unique images.

Why is this important to appreciate?

Harmony between people can only be achieved if people are willing to accept that different individual and communities have different realities Each reality shaped by environment, society, family, learning and experiences.

Openness and engagement helps us evolve and becoming wise, permitting us to broaden, deepen and make vibrant our individual perspectives and allows us to better understand and respect the perspectives of others.

It is useful to remember that, the foundation of a civilisation is respect, not tolerance.

Where the women are loved

 

Nowadays one sometimes reads about incidents in India of mistreatment and disrespect of women, and that can never be condoned. However just like a few trees do not define a forest, an aberration does not define a civilisation.

Contrary to common belief, in India, as in most agrarian societies the Goddess the provider of all things, as mother nature, has always been revered. In such societies the female has always been respected, loved and worshipped. Hindu and later Sikh tradition have always honoured women with the highest status of which women are rightly deserving.

Somewhere along the way, this valuable lesson which kept man and nature in harmony got disturbed. Influence of patriarchal and alien religions and cultures industrialisation, urbanisation etc. amongst other causes has taught man that nature and hence females are to be exploited for man's convenience and pleasure. Exploitation can never bring honour, dignity or love, only submission and resentment.

Our salvation and lasting joy can come only by loving and cherishing nature, which is manifested in the female.

Culture is shaped by both tradition and historical influences, and provides us many valuable lessons. Love, trust, and respect can never be legislated, or taught. Respect for women can only be instilled in the hearts and minds of our children by the example of elders and parents in every household.

It is not possible to impose values like respect, love and trust upon individuals, nor can it be taught in classrooms. Though this  is often attempted by the government, media, priests, schools, and civil society with little or no benefit except to enhance their own grandeur and power.

I can share what I have learnt.

If you are a man attempt not to understand them, rather try to cherish and respect the women in your life. If you are a woman, then accept them as imperfect yet honour, respect and care for the men in your life. If we do this the days of our life will be wholesome, because divine energies will reside along with us.

______________

* The Manu-Smriti, also known as Manav Dharam Shastra, is the earliest work on Brahminical Dharma in Hinduism. Manu-Smriti is believed to be the word of Brahma, the Creator and it is classified as the most authoritative statement on Dharma.

The scripture consists of 2690 verses, divided into 12 chapters.  It is presumed that the actual human  author of this compilation used the eponym ‘Manu’, which has led the text to be associated by Hindus with the first human being and the first king in the Indian tradition.

INTOLERANCE

Is intolerance of intolerance, intolerance?

The answer depends on one's convenience. 

We are quick either to condemn or to support, both in my opinion are bad.

For a moment let's forget intolerance, think about tolerance. This itself is such an ugly word and its meaning is so negative.

We need to respect not tolerate.

Tolerance is always limited and this limit can be breached at any time for any reason, even the most idiotic and frivolous one. 

Anyone who tolerates is abiding time until he, she or they cannot or will not tolerate anymore. 

Tolerance is a negative term, and intolerance which is born out of the inability or unwillingness to tolerate is even more negative. 

Tolerance is a simmering of discontent, and its offspring intolerance  always leads to conflict and destruction.

Respect on the other hand is a positive emotion and attitude. 

It sees the good in the other and hence a desire to yield space and energy, to cooperate and to share. Respect leads to flowering of relationships.

It is better to talk about, respect rather than tolerance and intolerance.

Midnight Madness - The Sikhs

My stint at studying Engineering at MIT, Manipal was very enriching educationally, intellectually, socially, emotionally and spiritually, whose fruits I enjoy even today for I continue to learn and evolve so much by my continuing interaction with many amazing college mates.

One of my senior friends was a tall, strong and fearless Khalsa Sikh,  [Ragnath Singh Kooner. Like all Panjabi people he is passionate and witty, only a lot more so. In addition he was an excellent student.

Ragnath Singh Kooner

Initially Ragnath's classmates would joke with him and pull his leg, then by and by it got out of hand. All and sundry, every Ram, Tik and Hari classmate jumped on the bandwagon and the jokes began to get mean and increasingly disrespectful.

Each day at noon they would taunt Ragnath Singh 'Sardar ji ke baraa Bajj gaye' (It's 12 O'clock so beware the Sikhs will go crazy).

At first Ragnath shrugged it off, then he requested them and then he warned them. But no one took notice of the protestations of the gentle giant. 

This phrase 'Sardar ji ke baraa Bajj gaye' was actually a warning issued by Mughal, Afghan and Persian leaders to their own men, out of great fear. Fear of the insanely courageous Khalsa Sikhs, though outnumbered would use high speed guerrilla tactics, to attack, wear down and finally defeat the much larger and more powerful invaders. The Sikhs would appear, almost out of nowhere from the dark, charge, attack and decimate the enemy and melt away into the night.

The invaders grew terrified of the Sikhs and would warn their soldiers to remain alert, for the Sikhs will make insane and brutal attacks in the middle of night, so 'beware of the Sardars'.
Sardar ji is a term used for almost all Khalsa Sikhs which literally means leader.

Not only Indians but many in the entire sub-continent owe their very existence today because of the sacrifices and contribution of the Khalsa Sikhs.
Many acknowledge this fact but some stupid and arrogant people may be forgiven for being ignorant of their own history.

The magnificent Sikhs are a proud and noble people, who will gladly die for friendship and a noble cause but are unlikely to tolerate or forgive injustice, cruelty nor disrespect. Ragnath was no exception and one day he made that point to his classmates.

So one day in 1975, there was a brief lull between lectures as the clock struck 12 at noon, some of Ragnath's classmates started taunting him again chanting in unison 'Sardar ji ke baraa Bajj gaye'. 


Suddenly Ragnath Singh  appeared to have lost his mind. He leapt out from behind his desk, shouting. 

Ragnath started kicking, slapping and punching those class mates, who habitually taunted him.  To each person he assaulted he would bring his palms together in the classical 'Sat Sri Akal' greeting/apology saying 'Please forgive me, I don't know what has possessed me' he would then give the poor chap another tight slap. 

Fearing for their safety, some cowered in the corners of the class room and those who could simply fled the classroom. 

Sat Sri Akal -
Meaning 'God is Truth'

The faces and bodies of all those who had been disrespectful of Ragnath and the Sikhs, were badly bruised, as they crept and crawled out of the classroom.

After 2 minutes, a calm and composed Ragnath sat down. Not surprisingly he was the only student in attendance for the next lecture. 

News of the incident spread like wildfire. Some admiring folks came to congratulate Ragnath and most gave him a wide berth. But none ever disrespected or taunted him nor any of the other Sikhs again as long as we studied there.

_________________

What are the lessons I learnt from the incident. 
1. There is a huge difference between, joking and disrespecting. 
2. Decency is often mistaken as timidity and weakness.
3. We humans will try and bully and torment anyone, even a lion if they feel we can intimidate and dominate them. 
4. The true Sikh respects himself or herself and is therefore respectful towards others and always showing great restraint.
5. Many timid people hide within the mob or group and become emboldened. They begin to behave in a manner unlike what they would dare to do so when alone.. 
6. One should never underestimate the fury of honourable and patient men when pushed to the extreme.


About Gurvinder Singh
Post a comment on my website
Engage with Gurvinder Singh

Facebook - Twitter - linkedin - SikhNet - Instagram

To have succeeded

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 -1889) American Essayist & Poet

(1803 - 1882) American Essayist & Poet

You don't love me

The wife came into the room, snatched the remote control, switched off the TV and said,  "You do not love me".

"Hey! What are you doing? The match is at a crucial stage. "
"See you don't love me, a stupid match is more important than me"
'Damn, how could you say such a thing?" Her flabbergasted husband asked.
"I am breaking my back and killing myself to take care of you and our family".
"Have you forgotten the jewellery I bought you for your last birthday?"
" Did I not take you to Europe for our anniversary?"
"I did this ..., and I did that ...'  and I bought you that .....,  blah blah."
"Don't I give you enough money for your comforts and to enjoy yourself?"

The wife replied, "You are impossible. I am getting this feeling for quite some time now.I will repeat it again and again, you don't love me. You think all that matters is money?"


"I don't understand you at all", he said, taking the house keys and slamming the door shut as he left the house, to figure out the complex and incomprehensible nature of women.


He walked briskly trying to cool his mind. Soon he felt tired and sat on the bench next to the kind and elderly Mrs. Kochhar.  She always looked calm with a serene face.

___________________________________

"Hello Gurdeep, you look upset?
"Yes Aunty, I just had a fight with my wife.  I can't understand her. What more does she want from me?"

Mrs. Kochhar heard Gurdeep  pour his heart out, and she tapped the back of his hand, comfortingly and said, "Don't worry these things happen in all marriages, and they eventually sort themselves out."

Mrs. Kochhar: "May I ask you some questions?"
Gurdeep: "No problems, please ask."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How many years have you been married?"
Gurdeep: "Four years."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How long did your courtship last?"
Gurdeep: "About a year."
Mrs. Kochhar: "How did you spend your time during your courtship?"

Gurdeep: "Oh! We went for long walks, went to the movies, shopping, she loves to trek so we used  to go quite often during the weekend on treks, you know stuff like that."

Mrs. Kochhar: "In the last year how often did you go to the movies, or go for walks or treks?"

Gurdeep: "Hardly, I don't have the time.  My work is too demanding."
Mrs. Kochhar: "Do you really love your wife?"

Gurdeep: "At this moment, I am so angry that I am not so sure, but in my heart I feel I love her."
Mrs. Kochhar: "If you love her, then when was the last time you made her feel that you loved her?" She continued, "Beta, a woman can be pleased by gifts and things, only for a while. If you love her then show her, do the things that show that you love her. Ignoring her or taking her for granted is not the best way to show your love."

Mrs. Kochhar: "All she is trying to say to you is, **'love me or even hate me, but never be indifferent to me'**. A woman will never tell you that directly, because no one can beg for love or security or even attention. Love has to be felt not told or purchased."

Gurdeep went home, saw the untouched food on the table. Crept into the darkened bedroom and got into the bed next to his wife. He cautiously snuggled up to her and whispered into her ear,  I am sorry, I shouted at you, I love you."

She just turned around and gave him a hug. Her wet face showed that she had been crying.

At that moment Gurdeep learnt another important lesson of life which eludes many men. 

When your woman complains that you do not love her, all she is saying is 
'Don't ignore me. I want your attention, to show me that you care for me and our relationship.'
He should not demean the relationship by reminding her how much he has provided for her materially. While she appreciates his providing or gifting her things, she wants to know and feel that he loves her and cares for her.
This is one of the secrets of a healthy relationship. Not to take the other for granted. 

Give her your friendship and love, and your genuine attention. Spend time to listen to her. It may seem trivial or irrelevant, but it may be important to her or she just wants to bond. Try to indulge her a little and see your life being transformed for the better. You will most likely live each day happily, more respected and definitely much more loved.

Of course there is no guarantee but, you will probably never again hear the words, 'You don't love me'.

           

Females make me nervous

                     
                             















I grew up in an all boys boarding school, and went to engineering college  where there were almost no girls. All the teachers were men. 

My interaction with females was very limited except for my mother a few aunts, my  two elder sisters and a few of their friends who only thought of me and my brothers just as little boys. For me females were alien.

I grew up with two ridiculous and extreme views of females. One they were pure, angelic, goddesses  and the other learnt from naughty books and magazines, that they were mere sex objects.

I made friends with girls but could never sustain a friendship with them because I could not understand them therefore unable to sustain a meaningful relationship. Those that I put on a pedestal as Goddesses usually found me dry and boring. Those I treated as objects mainly thought me uncouth and obnoxious. 

I thought I was an exception but many male associates, friends, and former classmates usually from God fearing, religiously inclined, good families held the same sort of stupid beliefs. Our noble opinions are shaped by romantic novels and romantic movies, history and literature.  Nowadays magazines, television, internet and cinema usually portray females as conniving, petty minded evil creatures. 

We men dehumanise females by either idolising them or by being dismissive of them.

Educationists and religious zealots may think it is good idea to separate males and females but it is unnatural and unhealthy. 
Boys and young men from segregated environments inevitably encounter difficulty in relationships and marriage. The most natural thing of engaging with women as colleagues, clients, and as friends always remain a challenge. They avoid females, and even if they do engage with them its often in a dehumanising manner. They cannot be respectful because they know nothing about the other half.

What can be done to build healthier societies?

Young children up to age 9 or 10 should all go to coeducational schools and playgrounds. It is sexually safe, and emotionally healthy. 

Young children are brutally frank and in these early years of their lives they are inquisitive and open. They have no hardened opinions save those planted in their innocent minds and hearts by teachers, parents and priests.

Just before the onset of puberty girls and boys may be separated until they are ready to go to college or go to work. Sexual attraction will be there, as it is perfectly natural, but it will be healthy, respectful and friendly. 

We talk of love, and building a better world, but how can we love humanity when we cannot be respectful or friends with half of humanity? 




Where there is no understanding there can be little respect. Without respect friendship is not possible. Love can blossom only if there is respect and friendship.

p.s.
What do I know about the problems and challenges that females from segregated backgrounds encounter? 
I don't know, I feel too nervous to ask them.

My children and I, We are not friends.

My children and I, we are not friends.


During a visit to Kolkata, my cousin Raja, a deep and wonderful man, asked me, "How would you describe your relationship with your children?"

Puffing my chest out, proudly, I replied, "Why,
we are friends."

He replied, "Forgive me Veer ji for pointing it out, but your children have many friends, where as they have only one set of parents. The only people who will be firm and honest with people are their parents and their genuine teachers."

I was irritated that my cousin 15 years younger than me, should even think this way. "How old fashioned and outdated was his outlook?" As with disturbance to deeply held beliefs, Raja's statement disturbed me. 

When I returned from Kolkata, I decided to ask my children over Sunday lunch, about defining our relationship. We discussed my trip and what all had transpired. 

Eventually I got around to  my conversation with Raja. I then asked them,  "Do you think I should be more of a friend or less of a friend to you guys?

Both my sons replied in unison and without hesitation, "Less of a friend".
I was flabbergasted, and felt somewhat disappointed. I had to know why they said that.

Then Mohit our elder son said, "Dad we love and respect you, but you know, with friends there are no boundaries, and sometimes, we take you for granted. When we treat you as a friend  we often say or behave silly, sometimes even disrespectful. When we behave like that with you, and even though you never get offended, we  deeply regret it. This is why, it is better that we be more respectful, than friendly."

"Wow! I did not see that one coming", I told myself. 

I realised it is the fashion to be friends with one's children, but there is big difference between being friends and being friendly.

Maybe you should ask yourself and your children the same question.

My Dream. Your Dream. Our Dream.

Demonstrating leadership by, thinking what you believe, saying what you think, and doing what you say.

In 1985 two leaders from Bendix Corporation a leading American company, came visiting to our manufacturing facilities.They sensed that we wanted to achieve something outstanding in our field but could simply not describe it. Allan suggested we should aim to be a 'World Class Company'.

At that time no one even spoke of something so audacious. The concept sounded fantastic and next day we brothers met and discussed the concept. We adopted the vision to be 'A World Class Organisation'.

In the following week at a meeting of all our staff we made the announcement. Guess what? Our team just looked at us blankly. We were appalled, how could they not be excited about this fantastic vision? They were aghast that we should dream of something so audacious when we faced great struggles daily on countless matters big and small.

Thank God a brave man asked, "Sir, what exactly do you mean by World Class?" 

We brothers looked at each other and now we looked more confused than our staff. We had adopted a concept given to us by someone else, shot into action completely clueless of what our vision actually meant.

Returning to our office, we spent 3 months in discussions,  trying to figure out what that one statement really meant to us and to our people in which there were no doubts.

We finally concluded that as a business organisation we needed to find, retain and service customers profitably while providing value to them.

We adopted the philosophy; 

1. Look after the customers who are the purpose of our existence, by always providing them superior quality products and services, 

2. Look after the employees who actually make it possible to achieve things

3. Look after the shareholders and investors by providing superior returns on their investments

4. Look after the communities in which you exist and function in.

Now we called another meeting with our team. They listened and this time there was some more interaction. Even surprises and shock.

We mistook shock to be caused by the daring vision. In fact as subsequent private discussions with them showed that they thought we were mad.

Insane not because of the challenge before us but by our sheer audacity of proposing something so great while we were actually doing so badly on so many of the things that we wanted to change.

Hardly anyone believed us. It is then we learnt that the greatest resistance to change was 'Management Credibility'. They had learnt from our organisation and others where they had worked that managements say things without meaning them, rarely keep promises, and will only exploit you.

How could we convince them that we believed that the the interest of the employees and employers were one and the same and based on taking care of the interests of all stakeholders with sincerity?

Nothing seemed to work and now we risked looking like fools. 
Thank God, we had the counsel of several people and the most remarkable was our friend Nana Shahane.

Nana highlighted an important term used both for God, and father in Indian culture is 'Anna -Datta', meaning the one who provides us. Now rarely used but in earlier times even the employer was called Annadatta.

We learnt that you cannot expect people to give your their best if they feel uninvolved, disrespected, unloved and denied their fair share. We learnt that we had to shift from the accepted norm of highly exploitive capitalistic model to that of being a family. Not just any ordinary family but a well trained, disciplined, highly motivated continuously improving family working as a team to achieve our vision.

It took a couple of years to start winning trust, but once our people, our extended family members came to believe that we were sincere, our dreams became theirs. From leaders we became facilitators to successfully achieving a great dream. We doubled output with the passing of each year, seemingly impossible and incredulous growth.

The elders in the family also had the difficult and important task of maintaining discipline and fairness amongst family members. You have to be fair but firm, tough but tender and hard but humane.

You may ask if it is so simple then why so many people and organisations simply cannot implement this approach. Good things come from people with good and noble beliefs. Sincerity can be faked only for a while, because people easily come to see through insincerity rather quickly.

What goes around comes around. Many organisations and their leaders have grown physically, emotionally and spiritually distant from their own people. It is then not a family but a gathering of individuals only concerned about exploitation and increasing their individual wealth and power at all costs.

By engaging sincerely and respectfully with team/family members, nothing is impossible.