These shoes make me so happy

Once in Delhi I spent a night at a friends home. Meeting after 15 years we had a lot of catching up to do.

Late into the night we chatted. As we relaxed, my friend pulled off his shoes with a moan and a groan. He heaved a sigh of relief as the shoes finally came off, and he muttered " Man! these shoes are so tight they really hurt"

I was baffled and I asked,"why don't you wear shoes that are comfortable and a slightly larger size?"

With a strange expression he said, "You won't understand, but these shoes make me so happy. My work is terrible, my employees are robbing me blind, my customers refuse to pay their bills,  my friends let me down and no one including my family loves me." "When I come home and take off these damn! tight shoes, I feel great relief and this is probably the only joy I get and the only happiness I can induce in my life" 

My friend was always melodramatic, however there is always some truth in every bit of humour. 

It appears that finding happiness is more elusive than avoiding unhappiness. Permit me to share with you some thoughts on avoiding unhappiness.

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Unhappiness normally stems from unfulfilled expectations.  

Expectations are of two kinds, one that is a favour and the other is a duty.  As regards the latter one one should always exercise one's rights and demand that people perform their duty.


However one should always be mentally prepared for the worst case scenario that nothing is going to transpire as expected, particularly when asking for favours. (The government and it's officers of our country do believe that they need not perform their duty, but merely bestow favours on us citizens)  


Having low expectations, forces us to be develop alternative solutions and be more self reliant. When things do happen as desired, we are pleasantly surprised and delighted. If nothing happens we can always say "I knew it, nothing would happen". 

Secondly, It's useful to avoid certain people or at least minimize contact with them. 

Trying to get ahead in life we try to associate with people that will benefit us materially and maybe that is not a bad thing. It is however essential that we listen to our inner voice, our 'gut feeling' and our conscience. If everything looks good but there is a voice in our being that gnaws at us that it does not feel right, it is quite likely that we will be sorry sooner or later. We must learn to trust our instincts and intuition.

Thirdly, avoid irritating things in our life. 

Identify the things that we frequently use, starting with our private space. Our bedroom, the bed, the pillow, the linen should be to our liking, because that is where we will spend a third of our life. Well rested in an environment of our liking will refresh us and make us less likely to be unhappy. 

Personal effects of  clothing, footwear, crockery, transport vehicle and our work tools be it a pen, computer, office bag, tool kit etc., or whatever is our tools of the trade should be of good quality and reliable. Nothing makes life worse than using rotten hardware and software tools to do our job.

Fourth, pursuing an appropriate career. 

If self employed, then try to choose a profession or business we like or are comfortable with. Working for an individual  or an organisation try to work for a person or organisation that has a belief system which we can respect.  Nothing is more stressful than having to work with people we have little respect for or worse taking orders from people we despise. If we hate the work we do, we  will become bitter and not only will this negative energy hurt others it will corrode us from within.

Fifth, avoid irritating people.

Though not always possible, avoiding people that trouble us or try to engage us in behaviour that is irritating is a good way to avoid unhappiness and related stress. Road rage is a good example of when people try to fight with us, a perfectly convenient way is to simply not make eye contact with the enraged driver, and try not to acknowledge their presence. Violent people need us to acknowledge them before they attack, so being indifferent to them takes the fun out of bullying for them.

In conclusion,  I must admit that this article is written mainly for people who can exercise free choice. Unfortunately there are billions of people who are prisoners of their environments, trapped by families, employers, governments, warlords, gangsters etc.  I pray that one day they too can have the ability and courage to exercise free choice and the wisdom to make the right choice.

If we are good and follow our heart, carry little negative emotional baggage,  keep life simple and seek joy instead of mere excitement, then happiness is within our grasp.

Charitable and Happy

I often met Prakash when I go for my walks. A decent chap, he has rather unusual opinions on most matters because of which he and I often land up sparring. Our passionate debates on a wide range of topics sometimes provide me with interesting and alternate perspectives.

The government had just announced another steep hike in the already absurd fuel prices. A group of us sipped tea and complained like all good but impotent citizens. We bemoaned the declining standards of morals and character and the surging costs of living. Someone commented that the government actions would only increase the numbers of the poor and they would be hard pressed to make ends meet.

Prakash then made a statement which almost killed all conversation. "Who is to say who is  poor? Many of these beggars are just to lazy to work and find it easier to beg for a living. In addition many  of those who claim they are poor are not even worthy of helping for they are  aggressive and rude. I will never give anything to a beggar again, they do not deserve the charity they receive for they are ungrateful" he said in tone of finality.

After a minute of silence in our conversation, I asked him why was he so agitated.

It seemed that whenever Prakash tried to be charitable, he always had an unpleasant experience. He narrated his previous day's experience.

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Prakash's wife Chanda is deeply religious. She visits the temple everyday. She offers prayers and then gives alms and food to the poor who invariably congregate outside such places.  

Prakash the dutiful husband always accompanies her driving her to the temple and back. One day unable to find parking space, Prakash happily volunteered to stay in the car while Chanda went for her daily appointment with God.

Lost in thought Prakash was soon jarred out of his reverie by a persistent tapping on his elbow. A middle aged woman stretched her palm out at him, begging. Prakash had received some good news the previous evening and felt expansive. He dropped ten rupees into the outstretched hand.  The lady looked blankly at Prakash and said, "I am hungry, give me more."


At that time 10 rupees was enough to have a working meal. An astonished and upset Prakash flew into a rage. He ticked the woman off and she in return cussed and  hobbled off with a scowl on her face. 

That was the incident that a visibly upset Prakash shared with us. He said "instead of being grateful the horrible woman abused me."

I felt sorry, but could not figure out for whom. An example of a charitable act, resulting not in joy but in disgust.


I asked Prakash whether he expected anything in return for his act of charity 
"Of course!" he said, "I expected a smile, some  acknowledgement maybe even a blessing, but the woman  .. she was simply horrible"

While professional expectations heightens our performance and therefore important, the opposite applies in our personal life. Expectations from love, friendship, parenthood, service, prayer, charity etc. almost always disappoint. This is because with every expectation comes the seed of a disappointment, that of unfulfilled expectations.

This is why our elders used to say, "Do good and forget about it" I have learnt that lesson long ago, I hope Prakash will do so too in the near future.



This habit of mine of analyzing everything and reflecting on various encounters and interactions compelled me to think about charity and giving. Here are some thoughts which I share with you.

We can give of our possessions, but greater still is to give of ourselves our time mind and heart.

What goes around comes around. Have we not be given much? So why do we hesitate to give?  

Have we not yet learnt that nothing is really ours? Neither this wealth nor these relationships, not even this body is ours for long.  A day will come when all that we possess will be taken away from us. Is everything not transient and temporary?

In our materialistic world we are always doing deals, forever transacting business in give and take selfish relationships. This could possibly be the root cause of much of our unhappiness.

Unhappiness is caused by unfulfilled expectations. So to be happy we must either be able to fulfill our expectations or have no expectations. To be happy in giving, one must make the choice what to give and how to give it and then unconditionally give with no expectations of some glory, benefit or profit.

Our well may be small but it is likely to be full. Yet when we hoard the water, is it not a thirst that is unquenchable? Let us not be like King Midas who had so much gold but remained hungry and unhappy.

Would it not be wise and noble if we ask nothing in return for our charity and assistance, for our love and our friendship? I believe we would be happier and maybe even carefree. Let us stop demanding to own the souls of people we help and love. Let us not burden people with the crushing weight of our charity.



If you really want the biggest bang for your charity work, just try and give and expect nothing in return. 

Try it. Give truly unconditionally and 
experience how your spirit will soar to the heavens, for you would no more be a human, but an angel.