You cannot demand love, but ....

"You cannot demand love, 
all you can do is make yourself loveable.

You cannot demand trust,
all you can do is make yourself trustworthy.


However you can demand attention,
by making a damn nuisance of yourself."

~ Gurvinder Singh

These shoes make me so happy

Once in Delhi I spent a night at a friends home. Meeting after 15 years we had a lot of catching up to do.

Late into the night we chatted. As we relaxed, my friend pulled off his shoes with a moan and a groan. He heaved a sigh of relief as the shoes finally came off, and he muttered " Man! these shoes are so tight they really hurt"

I was baffled and I asked,"why don't you wear shoes that are comfortable and a slightly larger size?"

With a strange expression he said, "You won't understand, but these shoes make me so happy. My work is terrible, my employees are robbing me blind, my customers refuse to pay their bills,  my friends let me down and no one including my family loves me." "When I come home and take off these damn! tight shoes, I feel great relief and this is probably the only joy I get and the only happiness I can induce in my life" 

My friend was always melodramatic, however there is always some truth in every bit of humour. 

It appears that finding happiness is more elusive than avoiding unhappiness. Permit me to share with you some thoughts on avoiding unhappiness.

_________________________________

Unhappiness normally stems from unfulfilled expectations.  

Expectations are of two kinds, one that is a favour and the other is a duty.  As regards the latter one one should always exercise one's rights and demand that people perform their duty.


However one should always be mentally prepared for the worst case scenario that nothing is going to transpire as expected, particularly when asking for favours. (The government and it's officers of our country do believe that they need not perform their duty, but merely bestow favours on us citizens)  


Having low expectations, forces us to be develop alternative solutions and be more self reliant. When things do happen as desired, we are pleasantly surprised and delighted. If nothing happens we can always say "I knew it, nothing would happen". 

Secondly, It's useful to avoid certain people or at least minimize contact with them. 

Trying to get ahead in life we try to associate with people that will benefit us materially and maybe that is not a bad thing. It is however essential that we listen to our inner voice, our 'gut feeling' and our conscience. If everything looks good but there is a voice in our being that gnaws at us that it does not feel right, it is quite likely that we will be sorry sooner or later. We must learn to trust our instincts and intuition.

Thirdly, avoid irritating things in our life. 

Identify the things that we frequently use, starting with our private space. Our bedroom, the bed, the pillow, the linen should be to our liking, because that is where we will spend a third of our life. Well rested in an environment of our liking will refresh us and make us less likely to be unhappy. 

Personal effects of  clothing, footwear, crockery, transport vehicle and our work tools be it a pen, computer, office bag, tool kit etc., or whatever is our tools of the trade should be of good quality and reliable. Nothing makes life worse than using rotten hardware and software tools to do our job.

Fourth, pursuing an appropriate career. 

If self employed, then try to choose a profession or business we like or are comfortable with. Working for an individual  or an organisation try to work for a person or organisation that has a belief system which we can respect.  Nothing is more stressful than having to work with people we have little respect for or worse taking orders from people we despise. If we hate the work we do, we  will become bitter and not only will this negative energy hurt others it will corrode us from within.

Fifth, avoid irritating people.

Though not always possible, avoiding people that trouble us or try to engage us in behaviour that is irritating is a good way to avoid unhappiness and related stress. Road rage is a good example of when people try to fight with us, a perfectly convenient way is to simply not make eye contact with the enraged driver, and try not to acknowledge their presence. Violent people need us to acknowledge them before they attack, so being indifferent to them takes the fun out of bullying for them.

In conclusion,  I must admit that this article is written mainly for people who can exercise free choice. Unfortunately there are billions of people who are prisoners of their environments, trapped by families, employers, governments, warlords, gangsters etc.  I pray that one day they too can have the ability and courage to exercise free choice and the wisdom to make the right choice.

If we are good and follow our heart, carry little negative emotional baggage,  keep life simple and seek joy instead of mere excitement, then happiness is within our grasp.

Mind or Heart ?

Mind or Heart

I got some interesting feedback to my earlier article "I am richer because I follow my heart."

Some people think me impractical.
Could it be that matters of the heart always appear impractical?

Reproduced are some of the comments.

1. "I think one should be rich if he/she follows his brain not heart."
2. "Wake up man! You live in a real world not in wonderland"
3. "Thanks I can relate to this”
4. "Touching and inspiring. I am a changed person"
5. "Thanks for sharing this with us."
6. "I fully agree with the contents and have personally experienced the fulfilment when you give without any expectation in return."

Good or bad, pleasant or otherwise, all feedback is appreciated. After all the idea is to share experiences and hopefully enrich the quality of our lives. Passion makes things happen. It would be disappointing if this blog were a monologue. Osho once asked "What can be the sound of one hand clapping?"

The comments are interesting and stimulating, but I wish those who respond would post their comments on the blog rather than mailing them to me.

Here is an important question to ask ourselves.
What is the difference between success and happiness?
Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you have got.
It is easy to confuse the two.

Let me share some additional thoughts;
My childhood teacher, friend, and role model was my Uncle, Sardar Manohar Singh ji. Growing up, he taught me to be totally independent. He warned me "never ever put yourself in the position that you need someone else so badly that you have to allow them to mess with you. The moment people realise they have power over you they begin to toy with you." "To be enslaved, dominated or toyed with, is a terrible feeling, and you will feel stifled and resent yourself" he added.

So in the material and professional world I sought to be totally self sufficient.
I achieved a lot materialistically but spiritually I was hollow. Emotionally I was all bottled up. I would not love, or even trust. My friends found me happy and jovial but little did they realise how superficial I really was.

The first five years of our career were filled with exceptional progress. Progress achieved by sheer hard work, amazing luck and fair share of exploiting others.

Every morning we would rise and shine, and then charge out to do business battle.
We had everything we needed to live a good life, but yet I felt an emptiness. Getting married made me realise how emotionally bankrupt I was. Yet obstinately I remain unchanged.

There was the constant questioning on the meaning on the quality of my life. Then our children came into our lives. I could be a child and uninhibited once again. I began to feel release from my hard boiled shell. In giving, sharing and playing there was a joy that cannot be described, only experienced.
Once the butterfly takes flight it can never be the ugly caterpillar again.

Aware I was but directionless I remained.
However the mind and heart had been rendered fertile for receiving good things and that is what happened.
As my friend Anil Pillai says, "good things come to you only when you need them or when you are ready."

Many people came in my life. Some gave me a leg up, some showed me the way, and some cautioned me from pitfalls. Some like Nana simply adored me, but all of them like the old man to whom I gave a ride awakened me. Each encounter peels away a myth, prejudice, and negativity. A layer at a time you reach ever deeper into yourself. Question is what do I and others like me do with these lessons and experiences?

I am compelled to quote Winston Churchill (British Prime Minister during Second World War); "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."

Once awakened everything looks and feels different. Greater depth and finer hues can more readily be discerned. Sure I was more aware but a lot of what I saw in myself did not appeal to me. We had to lead a life that made a difference.

Unfortunately we have learnt to measure life with a single dimension, that of money. What will you do with more power and money beyond a point? Seek more money and power in a never ending cycle? Rather than working to live, we were living to work.

Slowly, not only I, but my brothers changed.
Why fell people and clamber over them, when you can stand on their shoulders, lift them and rise with them to dizzying heights. It was pretty scary, and very dangerous belief because we brothers risked everything for it. The results came slowly but in greater steps with each passing day.

The dream of building a world class Indian organisation where a sense of pride, excitement and inclusive development was addicting and became our goal.

The mosaic of life with all the joy and sadness, good and bad has to be experienced and this posting on the blog is but a feeble attempt at conveying this experience.

"The unexplored life is not worth living and the unlived life is not worth exploring... so said Plato or Socrates (doesn't matter who said it, the message is more important)