Win the argument but pay the price

Human behaviour is often strange and inexplicable.

We are always running away from the truth and often damaging what is precious to us. We wait for people to die before we say something nice about them. Conversely we would be prepared to die before we could bear to hear something bad about ourselves.

I ask myself, why can't we appreciate the good in others, and also recognise and accept that which is not so nice within ourselves?

I do not know what changes occur in the minds and hearts of other people, but over time I have been transformed, after coming to understand myself somewhat better. This understanding gave me an insight into many of my own deficiencies. One particularly painful realisation was my own conduct and how it caused unhappiness. Maybe it even set the stage for my separation from my brothers, who were also my colleagues and partners in our family business.

In the course of my work I see this tragedy unfold repeatedly and surprisingly quite often in organisations and families. I share this with you because I hope my experience can still stop some of you from you poisoning your relationships with people you care about or should care about.

Most people study academic stuff like history, geography, languages, science, etc; no doubt all this learning is important. However it is crucial to learn how to manage yourself and your relationships. If we can learn to manage this aspect we shall always be respected, loved, cherished and even forgiven our follies.

We are hostages of our character. We react instinctively and often unconsciously. Ingrained nature is easier to manage than changing it. Awareness of our personality traits facilitates the management of our own personalities in a manner of our choosing. With luck, feedback from true friends and guidance from teachers it is even possible to transform ourselves so that we can not only preserve but enrich our relationships.

I should know for I am now 53 years of age and whenever I let my awareness levels drop, I lapse into silly behavioural mistakes. Changing hopefully for the better each passing day I am less offensive, make less of these mistakes and the damage I cause is smaller.

For a long time, my best friends were my brothers, sadly we have now become strangers to one another. We have drifted apart and fallen into black holes from which no feelings can ever emerge.

The love we had has turned not into hate, but something more ugly, indifference. How did this come to pass? This is a confession on my contribution to this sad state of affairs.

Being honest is important, but if your straight forwardness causes unnecessary anguish, by being dismissive, demeaning or disrespectful then it is never positive and always counter productive.

It is often prudent to keep quiet and always important to choose your words carefully. Regrettably I have often paid a high price for how I have communicated in the past. Being sensitive about other people's feelings and opinions is a key to success.

I was very good at my work and what I did. This made me arrogant. I had come to completely dominate the area of the organisation's operations for which I was responsible. Therefore in my areas of responsibility I was often dismissive of the opinion of the most important of my colleagues, my brothers.

I expected people who loved and respected each other would have blind faith and overlook my faults and stupidities as I did theirs. I believed I would not only be forgiven but be respected for being brutally frank. Unfortunately in my experience this is not the case. Not everyone loves to debate, or approach matters in a clinically logical manner.

I have learnt, never ever take anyone for granted. No one likes being taken for granted. Sure you may be family, friends or colleagues, you still can't permit your tongue to speak independent of your mind. Your heart may be pure but your behaviour and your words speak their own language because. The interpretation and meaning of our words and actions lie with the listener and observer and not the initiator.

Take for example my eldest brother Varinder who was responsible for commercial matters; he would often made suggestions on technical matters which was my area of responsibility. I must have hurt him too many times by simply reactively rejecting his ideas almost immediately. Sure, I was right on the merits of the case most of the time but my delivery of this communication was rude, and insensitive.

He would not give up and I would not change. After several years and over discussions with my human resources mentor Mr. Nana Shaney, I came to understand some of my bad traits. I tried to change and soon saw dramatic improvement in my interpersonal relationships with my brothers and father.

Initially I would react without hesitation, that was a dangerous and terrible manner.

As a student of the Western school of management thought, I did not believe in pussy footing around, I go straight for the jugular of the problem. However this approach is rarely good for Eastern and Indian culture, where we are expected to be more tactful. Here disagreements are often misunderstood as disrespect.

Where ever I have consulted working with two different generations of owners or management I have observed this problem and the chasm it creates. Younger Indians are increasingly influenced by Western thought and conduct at the workplace, but retain Indian mores and values learnt at home and in society. Couple family and business involve two or three generations into the workplace in a fast changing world and it is like walking in a minefield.


After many unpleasant incidents and almost tearing our team apart I learnt to be more sensitive. I would listen and not react. I would try and think about what was suggested and in some cases the ideas were pretty good. In many cases the ideas were either irrelevant or impractical. In such cases I would probe further for details on the idea and on further discussion we would conclude that the idea was not worth pursuing. By engaging my team members rather than opposing or dismissing them I became more effective. I learnt to respond rather than react. I did not have to debate or argue or scream and yet we were a more solid team.

I too suffer from what seems to be a national trait, we Indians are very bad listeners. I missed important cues and feedback and continued like the bull in the china shop.

I frustrated many team members because of my intense focus on planning, detailing and reviewing. I believe it is essential that all arguments, debates & brain storming be exhausted before we commit ourselves and resources to any endeavour. Good management is reflected in near flawless execution of plans and rarely having to rework targets, decisions or actions. This makes sure that a minimum of resources and time is actually used for any project or assignment.

At our top level meetings I would insist on a debate to cover all possible angles and options in our strategy formulation and planning processes. I thought my contribution was essential and positive, but by others I was sometimes perceived as argumentative, obstructionist and a general pain in the butt. Yet what I misunderstood as lack of belief in planning and detailing was really a resistance to my communication manner rather than to plans and actions. However since I was the guy who had to actually deliver the results I was often tolerated.

Perfectionists are an irritating lot. We may respect them but it is not easy to like them. I was one of them people who wanted to dot all i's and cross all t's.

I embraced ideas from my staff and subordinates more readily than I did those of my brothers and board members. I was a very good leader but a lousy team player.

In a team your proving that you are right is secondary to keeping the team united both in purpose and strategy. Ego gives birth to loneliness.

My brothers appreciated my viewpoint and approach, they simply could not tolerate the personal behaviour of mine. They liked the message but resisted the messenger. In spite of the negative dynamics we achieved great success but could have been still greater had we learnt better the art of carrying other brothers with them.

I sometimes wonder, maybe we would have overcome the storm that engulfed and eventually destroyed our organisation had each of us been wiser as individuals, as a team and as brothers.

Every argument or debate I won made me more difficult a person. I grew more powerful but the team grew weaker.

I make no apologies for the professional success we achieved but I do feel sad for the personal failures that I paid for in achieving that success. I realised a little late in the day that the same results could have been achieved, and so much anguish and pain could have been avoided had I not been, so combative, arrogant and chosen my words well.

I share these experiences because it is I pray that others do not make the same mistake professionally, or with their family and friends.