Third Places and Vibrant Communities

Humans are social animals who band together in cohesive groups called tribes or communities. This provides safety, companionship, pleasure, learning, livelihood and profit to individuals.

Typically a community comprises about 500 to 1000 individuals, connected to each by factors, such as, religious faith, profession, extended family, sport, politics, etc.

Communities vitally need venues where people can meet in a neutral environment and in an informal manner for individuals to socialise. Such a venue we could call as **'third place.'**

The first place is where people reside, at their homes, the second place is where people go to work, and the third place is where people go to socialise.

Communities with vibrant third places develop into centres of shared learning, art, culture, sport and the people enjoy a much higher standard of quality of life.

What are the requirements for a third place?

There are generally eight factors that are typical of third places. 

Neutral ground

Occupants of third places have little to no obligation to be there. They are not tied down to the area financially, politically, legally, or otherwise and are free to come and go as they please.

Leveler

Third places places no particular importance on an individual's economical or social status in a society. There are no prerequisites or requirements that would prevent acceptance or participation in the third place.

Community Kitchen

                                 

Conversation is main activity

Playful and happy conversation is the main but not the only activity in third places. The tone of conversation is usually light hearted and humorous; 

Accessibility and accommodation

Third places are open and readily accessible to those who occupy them. They are also accommodating, to meet the  wants of their inhabitants.

The regulars

Third places harbour a number of regulars that help give the space its tone, and help set the mood and characteristics of the area. Regulars assist newcomers to feel welcome and accommodated.

A low profile

Third places are characteristically wholesome. The inside of a third place is without extravagance or grandiosity, and has a homely feel. 

Football at Hotfut, Pune. India

The mood is playful
The tone of conversation in third places are never marked with tension or hostility. Instead, they have a playful nature, where witty conversation and frivolous banter are not only common, but highly valued.

A home away from home
Occupants of third places will often have the same feelings of warmth, possession, and belonging as they would in their own homes. They feel a piece of themselves is rooted in the space, and gain spiritual regeneration by spending time there.

Urban centres with large populations are mushrooming everywhere. People struggle to find third places which are becoming increasingly rare, if not extinct.

Intellectually and spiritually hollow people.

The desire of governments to monetise any and every available square meter of public space, makes it difficult if not impossible to create vibrant communities

It is no coincidence that the ‘helping professions’ are major and rapidly growing components of our economy as leaders and planners unwittingly help destroy local public life and communities.

Urban sprawl

Even where there are some third places available, people rarely find the time to socialise. 

Shifts from large joint to small nuclear families, non stop 24 hour work timings, has also taken a big toll on family and communities. 

Couple this with stress created by authorities, the total disregard by governments, town planners, encroachment, unsafe environments etc. has extensively damaged if not destroyed communities.

What are third places available to Indians? 

Places of religious worship are the most popular third places in India. They often provide the only succour available to people, for safe socialising. But the downside is that, religous leaders demand blind obedience and sometimes abuse the trust that this obedience provides.

The market place, village and town fairs, celebrating festivals, offer some form of community space. They may be fun, but do not satisfy fully the third place needs of individuals.

Harmandir Sahib,  The Golden Temple. Amritsar. 

Muslims at prayer

There are still some other third places left these days. Some which come to mind are, canteens, tea stalls, chapels, dhabas, play grounds, street corners, beach communities, prayer groups, etc. for the simple people. Then for others there are tea /coffee shops, bars and restaurants, sports and recreational clubs, sports facilities, etc.

Aufside bar and restaurant, Pune.

Social well-being and psychological health of individuals depend upon communities which can only exist where there are vibrant third places.

Third places are not a choice but are a vital necessity and a precondition for healthy communities. For they create habits of public association, and offer psychological support to individuals and communities.

 Nations are relatively a recent phenomenon. Historically the real building block of humanity and a successful civilisation is the family and community. 

Civilisations and governments should be judged by how well they satisfy the safety, livelihood, etc. needs and the quality of life of individuals and communities.

Third Places build strong and resilient communities, and that is the bedrock of a strong, tolerant, peaceful, healthy, vibrant, civilised world. And that is the best legacy we can leave our children.

 _________________________

Written and posted by Gurvinder Singh
Ampav Education & Consulting Pvt. Ltd. website 
Pune. India

Ampav Education and Consulting is a Pune based organisation committed to evolving better ways to live, work and play. To support programs of the community, for the community, by the community. Please write to us

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To have succeeded

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 -1889) American Essayist & Poet

(1803 - 1882) American Essayist & Poet

Savouring Life

We all need challenges to enjoy life. 

Challenge gets our adrenaline flowing enabling us to either fight or take flight, and this in turn creates stress. Some level of stress is in fact healthy and even essential for  us to live exciting and interesting lives. However stress can often become addictive. As with all addictions we need greater and greater doses of excitement to get the same high.

One of the greatest stress creators is modern man's, need for speed. Our lives are running faster and faster, yet rarely do we arrive anywhere meaningful. 

Time is money we are told. Money for whom and what will you do with that money if you have lost your health, your sanity, and your self? We often have no time to enjoy life, nature, our families, our friends and precious moments we live. If we ever do realise our folly, it is often too late in life to do anything about it.

Life is not only to be lived, it has to be savoured. Unfortunately we have come to believe that only through money and power, can we enjoy life and be happy. That too if we have lots of it.

Many things in life can be enjoyed which money cannot afford to buy,  The love and company of family, friendship, sound sleep, good health, mother's cooking, wisdom, etc. etc. 

The sounds and smell of nature, the sun, rain, the breeze, the song of birds and the mischief of youth, the joy of play, music and dance, all these and many other things we increasingly miss in our lives.

When we travel fast we hardly ever notice the scenery and therefore can never admire it or the company of our co-travellers in life. When we zip through life we journey from cradle to the funeral pyre or grave, we hardly get to live. Mere existence is not living, its just existing.

Many years ago I went through a catastrophic personal and business setback. I struggled and I struggled and I struggled, until there was nothing more I could do. 

When all worldly doors close we seek a higher self within our own being. Through the doorway of our soul we seek to find answers and solutions. Eventually, exhausted, I surrendered to God's will. I stopped struggling and that led an awakening.

Now I had time to look within. I now had time to do all the things I should have done all my life, and somehow forgotten to do because I was 'too busy'.

I found I had time to reflect, meditate, pray, go for walks, spend time with my loved ones. I learnt to chew rather than swallow my food. Help out at home, guide and play with the children, read, listen to music and hymns, share stories and fantasies and a hundred other things. I had done many of these things before but grudgingly or almost robotically. Now I savoured them.

I do not regret the years I spent working very hard, for I learnt many things,  achieved some spectacular results, numerous setbacks and  discovered my potential, my flaws and essentially myself, but it was always to be greater, reach higher, move faster. It was always more and more of everything.

I met many fascinating people and worked with amazing colleagues who taught me much. Many liked me and some even loved me but I was too busy and oblivious of their affection.

I still work hard. I teach, consult, and mentor individuals and organisations,  and many other things, but all with greater meaning. No issue is too minor, nor is any relationship too demanding.  A joy fills my being, for I no longer live life but savour it.

____________________

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” 

 - W.M. Lewis

You don't love me

The wife came into the room, snatched the remote control, switched off the TV and said,  "You do not love me".

"Hey! What are you doing? The match is at a crucial stage. "
"See you don't love me, a stupid match is more important than me"
'Damn, how could you say such a thing?" Her flabbergasted husband asked.
"I am breaking my back and killing myself to take care of you and our family".
"Have you forgotten the jewellery I bought you for your last birthday?"
" Did I not take you to Europe for our anniversary?"
"I did this ..., and I did that ...'  and I bought you that .....,  blah blah."
"Don't I give you enough money for your comforts and to enjoy yourself?"

The wife replied, "You are impossible. I am getting this feeling for quite some time now.I will repeat it again and again, you don't love me. You think all that matters is money?"


"I don't understand you at all", he said, taking the house keys and slamming the door shut as he left the house, to figure out the complex and incomprehensible nature of women.


He walked briskly trying to cool his mind. Soon he felt tired and sat on the bench next to the kind and elderly Mrs. Kochhar.  She always looked calm with a serene face.

___________________________________

"Hello Gurdeep, you look upset?
"Yes Aunty, I just had a fight with my wife.  I can't understand her. What more does she want from me?"

Mrs. Kochhar heard Gurdeep  pour his heart out, and she tapped the back of his hand, comfortingly and said, "Don't worry these things happen in all marriages, and they eventually sort themselves out."

Mrs. Kochhar: "May I ask you some questions?"
Gurdeep: "No problems, please ask."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How many years have you been married?"
Gurdeep: "Four years."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How long did your courtship last?"
Gurdeep: "About a year."
Mrs. Kochhar: "How did you spend your time during your courtship?"

Gurdeep: "Oh! We went for long walks, went to the movies, shopping, she loves to trek so we used  to go quite often during the weekend on treks, you know stuff like that."

Mrs. Kochhar: "In the last year how often did you go to the movies, or go for walks or treks?"

Gurdeep: "Hardly, I don't have the time.  My work is too demanding."
Mrs. Kochhar: "Do you really love your wife?"

Gurdeep: "At this moment, I am so angry that I am not so sure, but in my heart I feel I love her."
Mrs. Kochhar: "If you love her, then when was the last time you made her feel that you loved her?" She continued, "Beta, a woman can be pleased by gifts and things, only for a while. If you love her then show her, do the things that show that you love her. Ignoring her or taking her for granted is not the best way to show your love."

Mrs. Kochhar: "All she is trying to say to you is, **'love me or even hate me, but never be indifferent to me'**. A woman will never tell you that directly, because no one can beg for love or security or even attention. Love has to be felt not told or purchased."

Gurdeep went home, saw the untouched food on the table. Crept into the darkened bedroom and got into the bed next to his wife. He cautiously snuggled up to her and whispered into her ear,  I am sorry, I shouted at you, I love you."

She just turned around and gave him a hug. Her wet face showed that she had been crying.

At that moment Gurdeep learnt another important lesson of life which eludes many men. 

When your woman complains that you do not love her, all she is saying is 
'Don't ignore me. I want your attention, to show me that you care for me and our relationship.'
He should not demean the relationship by reminding her how much he has provided for her materially. While she appreciates his providing or gifting her things, she wants to know and feel that he loves her and cares for her.
This is one of the secrets of a healthy relationship. Not to take the other for granted. 

Give her your friendship and love, and your genuine attention. Spend time to listen to her. It may seem trivial or irrelevant, but it may be important to her or she just wants to bond. Try to indulge her a little and see your life being transformed for the better. You will most likely live each day happily, more respected and definitely much more loved.

Of course there is no guarantee but, you will probably never again hear the words, 'You don't love me'.

           

Females make me nervous

                     
                             















I grew up in an all boys boarding school, and went to engineering college  where there were almost no girls. All the teachers were men. 

My interaction with females was very limited except for my mother a few aunts, my  two elder sisters and a few of their friends who only thought of me and my brothers just as little boys. For me females were alien.

I grew up with two ridiculous and extreme views of females. One they were pure, angelic, goddesses  and the other learnt from naughty books and magazines, that they were mere sex objects.

I made friends with girls but could never sustain a friendship with them because I could not understand them therefore unable to sustain a meaningful relationship. Those that I put on a pedestal as Goddesses usually found me dry and boring. Those I treated as objects mainly thought me uncouth and obnoxious. 

I thought I was an exception but many male associates, friends, and former classmates usually from God fearing, religiously inclined, good families held the same sort of stupid beliefs. Our noble opinions are shaped by romantic novels and romantic movies, history and literature.  Nowadays magazines, television, internet and cinema usually portray females as conniving, petty minded evil creatures. 

We men dehumanise females by either idolising them or by being dismissive of them.

Educationists and religious zealots may think it is good idea to separate males and females but it is unnatural and unhealthy. 
Boys and young men from segregated environments inevitably encounter difficulty in relationships and marriage. The most natural thing of engaging with women as colleagues, clients, and as friends always remain a challenge. They avoid females, and even if they do engage with them its often in a dehumanising manner. They cannot be respectful because they know nothing about the other half.

What can be done to build healthier societies?

Young children up to age 9 or 10 should all go to coeducational schools and playgrounds. It is sexually safe, and emotionally healthy. 

Young children are brutally frank and in these early years of their lives they are inquisitive and open. They have no hardened opinions save those planted in their innocent minds and hearts by teachers, parents and priests.

Just before the onset of puberty girls and boys may be separated until they are ready to go to college or go to work. Sexual attraction will be there, as it is perfectly natural, but it will be healthy, respectful and friendly. 

We talk of love, and building a better world, but how can we love humanity when we cannot be respectful or friends with half of humanity? 




Where there is no understanding there can be little respect. Without respect friendship is not possible. Love can blossom only if there is respect and friendship.

p.s.
What do I know about the problems and challenges that females from segregated backgrounds encounter? 
I don't know, I feel too nervous to ask them.

125 years of Jawaharlal Nehru

125 years of Jawaharlal Nehru

This Nov 14 marked the 125th birth anniversary of Pandit Jawahar Lal Nehru. India's first prime minster. He was a towering personality and his contribution to our freedom struggle and to the formative years of India's development and growth is significant if not immense.

Like all great men he had his shortcomings and weaknesses, and there were many. So what? Which person does not have his or her failings?

Humans have a tendency to commoditise everything. If God, heaven and hell  can be sold by people why not a colourful former prime minister of India? We have and continue to shamelessly dehumanised Mr. Nehru. We use, misuse, and abuse him and his contribution.

There are two ways to dehumanise someone: By either  dismissing them or by idolising them.

The Congress party dehumanised Mr. Nehru over 60 years by endlessly glorifying and idolising him. Every thing possible, be they monuments, infrastructure,  populist social welfare schemes,  designed to garner votes were named after Mr. Nehru. The Congress party has been for quite a long while a party dominated by sycophants. They could hardly care for Mr. Nehru or his beliefs. It was only important for the party to see how to exploit 'Brand Nehru', and to appease Nehru's descendants now called the Gandhi family. 

The Gandhi family's only claim to fame is that they are blood descendants of Mr. Nehru. Having achieved little by their own efforts, they need brand Nehru to remain relevant so they too encouraged and overused Mr. Nehru's name. As a result few people care about Nehru or his achievements. What a shame.

The current BJP led NDA government wish to dismantle all things that can help the Congress party and its brand value. 

The NDA government by acts of omission and commission have created  so much negativity on this exceptional man who devoted his life to India and her people.  
They too are guilty of dehumanising Mr. Nehru but by dismissing him. What a shame. 

That Mr. Nehru led India in his own dictatorial style within a democracy his contribution cannot be simply dismissed. If India today is an emerging superpower, and amongst the only post colonial country to have never had a military coup, a lot of credit goes to Mr. Nehru and his guiding hand.

It is easy to be judgemental of someone 46 years after he has passed away. Does it seem worthy of the people of this great land which has taught tolerance to the whole world to be so critical and disrespectful of so exceptional a man? Like him or hate him, Mr. Nehru cannot be ignored and should not be dehumanised.


By praising him excessively or by judging him too harshly, by crediting him with all our successes or placing blame on him for all of India's current problems, we achieve nothing except to be undignified and wasting resources on a fruitless debate. Life moves forward not backwards. Let us build a new and better world for our children. 

Let us on this day say a small prayer for this man in appreciation for his immense contribution and a big prayer to find the wisdom to learn from his mistakes and to forgive him for his blunders.

Black Woman Speaks of White Womanhood

“You were afraid to nurse your young
lest fallen breast offend your master’s sight
and he should flee to firmer loveliness.
And so you passed them, your children, on to me.
Flesh that was your flesh and blood that was your blood
drank the sustenance of life from me.
And as I gave suckle I knew I nursed my own child’s enemy.
I could have lied,
told you your child was fed till it was dead of hunger.
But I could not find the heart to kill orphaned innocence.
For as it fed, it smiled and burped and gurgled with content
and as for color knew no difference.
Yes, in that first while
I kept your sons and daughters alive.
But when they grew strong in blood and bone
that was of my milk
you
taught them to hate me.
Put your decay in their hearts and upon their lips
so that strength that was of myself
turned and spat upon me,
despoiled my daughters, and killed my sons.
You know I speak true.“

(Beah Richards, excerpt from “A Black Woman Speaks of White Womanhood")