Savouring Life

We all need challenges to enjoy life. 

Challenge gets our adrenaline flowing enabling us to either fight or take flight, and this in turn creates stress. Some level of stress is in fact healthy and even essential for  us to live exciting and interesting lives. However stress can often become addictive. As with all addictions we need greater and greater doses of excitement to get the same high.

One of the greatest stress creators is modern man's, need for speed. Our lives are running faster and faster, yet rarely do we arrive anywhere meaningful. 

Time is money we are told. Money for whom and what will you do with that money if you have lost your health, your sanity, and your self? We often have no time to enjoy life, nature, our families, our friends and precious moments we live. If we ever do realise our folly, it is often too late in life to do anything about it.

Life is not only to be lived, it has to be savoured. Unfortunately we have come to believe that only through money and power, can we enjoy life and be happy. That too if we have lots of it.

Many things in life can be enjoyed which money cannot afford to buy,  The love and company of family, friendship, sound sleep, good health, mother's cooking, wisdom, etc. etc. 

The sounds and smell of nature, the sun, rain, the breeze, the song of birds and the mischief of youth, the joy of play, music and dance, all these and many other things we increasingly miss in our lives.

When we travel fast we hardly ever notice the scenery and therefore can never admire it or the company of our co-travellers in life. When we zip through life we journey from cradle to the funeral pyre or grave, we hardly get to live. Mere existence is not living, its just existing.

Many years ago I went through a catastrophic personal and business setback. I struggled and I struggled and I struggled, until there was nothing more I could do. 

When all worldly doors close we seek a higher self within our own being. Through the doorway of our soul we seek to find answers and solutions. Eventually, exhausted, I surrendered to God's will. I stopped struggling and that led an awakening.

Now I had time to look within. I now had time to do all the things I should have done all my life, and somehow forgotten to do because I was 'too busy'.

I found I had time to reflect, meditate, pray, go for walks, spend time with my loved ones. I learnt to chew rather than swallow my food. Help out at home, guide and play with the children, read, listen to music and hymns, share stories and fantasies and a hundred other things. I had done many of these things before but grudgingly or almost robotically. Now I savoured them.

I do not regret the years I spent working very hard, for I learnt many things,  achieved some spectacular results, numerous setbacks and  discovered my potential, my flaws and essentially myself, but it was always to be greater, reach higher, move faster. It was always more and more of everything.

I met many fascinating people and worked with amazing colleagues who taught me much. Many liked me and some even loved me but I was too busy and oblivious of their affection.

I still work hard. I teach, consult, and mentor individuals and organisations,  and many other things, but all with greater meaning. No issue is too minor, nor is any relationship too demanding.  A joy fills my being, for I no longer live life but savour it.

____________________

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” 

 - W.M. Lewis

You don't love me

The wife came into the room, snatched the remote control, switched off the TV and said,  "You do not love me".

"Hey! What are you doing? The match is at a crucial stage. "
"See you don't love me, a stupid match is more important than me"
'Damn, how could you say such a thing?" Her flabbergasted husband asked.
"I am breaking my back and killing myself to take care of you and our family".
"Have you forgotten the jewellery I bought you for your last birthday?"
" Did I not take you to Europe for our anniversary?"
"I did this ..., and I did that ...'  and I bought you that .....,  blah blah."
"Don't I give you enough money for your comforts and to enjoy yourself?"

The wife replied, "You are impossible. I am getting this feeling for quite some time now.I will repeat it again and again, you don't love me. You think all that matters is money?"


"I don't understand you at all", he said, taking the house keys and slamming the door shut as he left the house, to figure out the complex and incomprehensible nature of women.


He walked briskly trying to cool his mind. Soon he felt tired and sat on the bench next to the kind and elderly Mrs. Kochhar.  She always looked calm with a serene face.

___________________________________

"Hello Gurdeep, you look upset?
"Yes Aunty, I just had a fight with my wife.  I can't understand her. What more does she want from me?"

Mrs. Kochhar heard Gurdeep  pour his heart out, and she tapped the back of his hand, comfortingly and said, "Don't worry these things happen in all marriages, and they eventually sort themselves out."

Mrs. Kochhar: "May I ask you some questions?"
Gurdeep: "No problems, please ask."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How many years have you been married?"
Gurdeep: "Four years."

Mrs. Kochhar: "How long did your courtship last?"
Gurdeep: "About a year."
Mrs. Kochhar: "How did you spend your time during your courtship?"

Gurdeep: "Oh! We went for long walks, went to the movies, shopping, she loves to trek so we used  to go quite often during the weekend on treks, you know stuff like that."

Mrs. Kochhar: "In the last year how often did you go to the movies, or go for walks or treks?"

Gurdeep: "Hardly, I don't have the time.  My work is too demanding."
Mrs. Kochhar: "Do you really love your wife?"

Gurdeep: "At this moment, I am so angry that I am not so sure, but in my heart I feel I love her."
Mrs. Kochhar: "If you love her, then when was the last time you made her feel that you loved her?" She continued, "Beta, a woman can be pleased by gifts and things, only for a while. If you love her then show her, do the things that show that you love her. Ignoring her or taking her for granted is not the best way to show your love."

Mrs. Kochhar: "All she is trying to say to you is, **'love me or even hate me, but never be indifferent to me'**. A woman will never tell you that directly, because no one can beg for love or security or even attention. Love has to be felt not told or purchased."

Gurdeep went home, saw the untouched food on the table. Crept into the darkened bedroom and got into the bed next to his wife. He cautiously snuggled up to her and whispered into her ear,  I am sorry, I shouted at you, I love you."

She just turned around and gave him a hug. Her wet face showed that she had been crying.

At that moment Gurdeep learnt another important lesson of life which eludes many men. 

When your woman complains that you do not love her, all she is saying is 
'Don't ignore me. I want your attention, to show me that you care for me and our relationship.'
He should not demean the relationship by reminding her how much he has provided for her materially. While she appreciates his providing or gifting her things, she wants to know and feel that he loves her and cares for her.
This is one of the secrets of a healthy relationship. Not to take the other for granted. 

Give her your friendship and love, and your genuine attention. Spend time to listen to her. It may seem trivial or irrelevant, but it may be important to her or she just wants to bond. Try to indulge her a little and see your life being transformed for the better. You will most likely live each day happily, more respected and definitely much more loved.

Of course there is no guarantee but, you will probably never again hear the words, 'You don't love me'.

           

Females make me nervous

                     
                             















I grew up in an all boys boarding school, and went to engineering college  where there were almost no girls. All the teachers were men. 

My interaction with females was very limited except for my mother a few aunts, my  two elder sisters and a few of their friends who only thought of me and my brothers just as little boys. For me females were alien.

I grew up with two ridiculous and extreme views of females. One they were pure, angelic, goddesses  and the other learnt from naughty books and magazines, that they were mere sex objects.

I made friends with girls but could never sustain a friendship with them because I could not understand them therefore unable to sustain a meaningful relationship. Those that I put on a pedestal as Goddesses usually found me dry and boring. Those I treated as objects mainly thought me uncouth and obnoxious. 

I thought I was an exception but many male associates, friends, and former classmates usually from God fearing, religiously inclined, good families held the same sort of stupid beliefs. Our noble opinions are shaped by romantic novels and romantic movies, history and literature.  Nowadays magazines, television, internet and cinema usually portray females as conniving, petty minded evil creatures. 

We men dehumanise females by either idolising them or by being dismissive of them.

Educationists and religious zealots may think it is good idea to separate males and females but it is unnatural and unhealthy. 
Boys and young men from segregated environments inevitably encounter difficulty in relationships and marriage. The most natural thing of engaging with women as colleagues, clients, and as friends always remain a challenge. They avoid females, and even if they do engage with them its often in a dehumanising manner. They cannot be respectful because they know nothing about the other half.

What can be done to build healthier societies?

Young children up to age 9 or 10 should all go to coeducational schools and playgrounds. It is sexually safe, and emotionally healthy. 

Young children are brutally frank and in these early years of their lives they are inquisitive and open. They have no hardened opinions save those planted in their innocent minds and hearts by teachers, parents and priests.

Just before the onset of puberty girls and boys may be separated until they are ready to go to college or go to work. Sexual attraction will be there, as it is perfectly natural, but it will be healthy, respectful and friendly. 

We talk of love, and building a better world, but how can we love humanity when we cannot be respectful or friends with half of humanity? 




Where there is no understanding there can be little respect. Without respect friendship is not possible. Love can blossom only if there is respect and friendship.

p.s.
What do I know about the problems and challenges that females from segregated backgrounds encounter? 
I don't know, I feel too nervous to ask them.