Puns for educated minds

• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German are the wurst
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. 
• When chemists die, apparently they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in Delhi 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off.

Catch anything?

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and a string hanging into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

Full body Scan at airports - A report

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS 

CATSA disclosed the following airport screening results.
________________________________

Dec 2013
Statistics on airport full body screening report from CATSA
_____________________________________________________
Terrorists Discovered                    0
Transvestites                              133
Hernias                                      985
Hemorrhoid Cases                    2,455
Enlarged Prostrates                  2,049
Breast Implants                      39,452
Natural Blondes                             3

It was also discovered that 387 politicians had no balls

Road Crossing Instructions in Pakistan

Look both right and left for cars, motorcycles, animals and pedestrians,

Look "up" for American drones.

 Look "down" for bombs and land mines.

Look sideways and backwards for kidnappers and suicide bombers. 

Hold your bags tight and watch for every person near you.

Then walk zigzag to avoid bullets.

My thanks to Dr. Surjit Patheja for this article

Power, money, friends and good manners

Every moment and every interaction can be a learning. Even an election to head a sports club.
I recently observed, participated and analyzed such an election.

There were two candidates Mr. Rich and Mr. Simple.

Mr. Rich was a very wealthy man whom several members seemed to be in awe of. He rarely came to the club or interacted with the members until canvassing for elections began. A relative stranger to the club and having little in common, only a few members socialised with the wealthy Mr.Rich. It appeared many people hung around Mr. Rich in the hope of gaining some benefit financial, political or social leverage.

Mr. Rich flaunted his money and his powerful connections. Many members deferred to Mr. Rich though many members privately confided that his presence and push was way over the top. Mr. Rich spent an enormous amount of money wining and dining members, making slick presentations and distributing brochures. Mr. Rich focussed on status and on his personal achievements of which he had many. However he had done nothing notable at and for the club or it's members till date. 


The other candidate Mr. Simple was a down to earth builder. Mr. Simple had served for many years on various committees, projects and activities of the club. He was at the club regularly and had many friends and even more well wishers who appreciated his visible contribution. 

Mr. Simple was approachable and tried his sincere best to resolve issues and address the concerns of members politely and respectfully. He had many shortcomings, but he was lovable.

Unlike Mr. Rich,  Mr. Simple in contrast wrote a simple mail to all members outlining his contribution, and the values he stood for. He stated that he did not believe in expensive dinners and parties but his track record of his contribution and his conduct to let members choose who was to be elected.

When the results were declared Mr. Simple had won by a margin which was the largest in the club's history. It appears that money and power alone or even together can rarely win hearts particularly of the well informed. My belief was reinforced that; 

"Friends and good manners will take you where money and power will never be able to take you"
 

Behind every successful man is ........

It is often said that, 'Behind every successful man is a woman'. It would be more appropriate to say that, 'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman'.

Normally the woman behind the man, is his wife. Without even being briefed, intuitively a woman knows a lot, if not almost everything about her man.

A man, needs a place to return to, rest and recuperate. Feeling secure within his own home, man tends to lower his guard and social pretences and usually reverts to being just himself. That is the issue, because the man that reverts to being his natural self at home, is a unique and often imperfect creature.



All men are imperfect, only types and levels of imperfection vary. Flaws include vanity, ego, greed, lust, and many other human traits. Obsessed with people and things man is full of eccentricities, fetishes, strange fears, etc. This is exactly what his woman sees.

What women rarely get to see or learn of, is that her man who pursues some form of work/career or professional responsibility, is typically pretty good at what he does, and often well appreciated and respected for it by colleagues and society at large.

Since this is normally not  visible to his woman, she can rarely appreciate his professional competence, and capabilities.


Man generally need props to define himself socially and professionally. Props could include vehicles, associates, designations, size of his workplace , his computer and work tools or perhaps a title or even a crown. 


This creature called man, at home and in his lair, with his guard down, often looks and behaves clumsy and incomplete.  This is the creature that the woman sees. Can she be blamed for being surprised if her man is successful?

Man it appears, is the master of the circus by day, and the clown by night.

Obnoxious People.

Abraham Lincoln that great man, who had risen from humble background to become the President of America once said, "All men respond well under adversity, if you want to test a man's character  give him power"

No wonder people who come to possess some power over resources or people tend to become obnoxious. Bosses, class teachers, principals, politicians, government officials and of course office bearers are more prone to being obnoxious, because they feel, 'You need me, I don't need you.'

Power, it has often be said, corrupts. But this is not true. Power amplifies our personality. Therefore, power makes good people great, and bad people worse..

Life is beautiful and People are inherently good But there are always aberrations in nature like obnoxious people and they tend to be both toxic and ugly.

It is normal for people to sometimes disagree, but obnoxious people are disagreeable.

Over the past year residents of our housing society have had the misfortune of having to deal with an obnoxious man. He was an office bearer and an obstructionist in our daily lives, He could not be avoided, he was like a millstone hanging around our neck. His intelligence only made him vicious and insufferable. Most residents in the housing society, detested the man.


All attempts by residents to engage with the man were futile. Decency and polite behaviour were misconstrued as weakness and timidity. Residents were at their wits end, until they got the following message from a wise man.

All attempts by residents to engage with the man were futile. Decency and polite behaviour were misconstrued as weakness and timidity. Residents were at their wits end, until realisation dawned that, "Dealing with obnoxious people is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time you realize that you are getting physically and mentally exhausted, but the pig is actually enjoying it."

When we interact with people we create a relationship, and in turn the relationship defines us. We absorb the energy and traits of the people we associate with. If we do not want to become horrid and disgusting we should give negative people a wide berth and ignore them completely. If interaction is unavoidable then try not to let them drag you down to their level, respond rather than react to them.

It is said, 'Beware the fury of patient people'. In a rare show of consensus many residents agreed on one point. In a noisy meeting, residents insisted that the obnoxious man would not be allowed to continue in office a moment longer.  He was booed and summarily thrown out.

Those  who  act too wise, inevitably land up otherwise.

What the doctors said regarding a new wing at the hospital

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,  

The Allergists voted to scratch it,
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, 
The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,  
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; 
The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body', 
The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists said the whole idea was madness, 
The Radiologists could see right through it, 
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, 
The Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, 
The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, 
The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say 'no'.


In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some A**hole in administration

.........   My thanks to Ms. Priti Quinn for this contribution

What does teaching mean?

Sept 5th is celebrated as  Teacher's day in India. On that day Rohan an earnest young student friend of mine, telephoned to thank me for teaching him and changing his life, by my writing and our interactions.

I thanked Rohan for his kind words but clarified that crediting me with his learning was in my opinion unjustified. 

I should have been flattered or at least touched by his sincere greetings, but I wasn't.
I asked myself, "If it was not arrogance I felt, then what was it?"

He asked me "If this is not teaching then what was it?"
I had no reply but I had many questions. Questions, I had to seek answers to.

Today, October 5th, is World Teacher's day. I can offer the following thoughts.

Teaching and learning are two sides of the same coin. Unfortunately the two have grown so apart that they are effectively disconnected. No doubt, nowadays  there is a lot of teaching and even more testing but it is doubtful that there is much learning taking place.


As John Lubbock said about modern teaching, "We strain the memory instead of cultivating the mind."

Why is it said that? "A student is not a vessel to be filled but a lamp to be lit"


A vessel when filled cannot absorb anything more, in fact it rejects anything that is additional or new. That is why most students cannot retain much of what they are 'taught'. At best they retain information only for a short period of time, sufficient duration to get them through the tests.

On the other hand, once lit the lamp provides illumination wherever it reaches, thus dispelling the darkness called ignorance. A lamp also helps light other lamps. Learning demands more learning as a fuel, just like a lamp demands more oil to keep on burning. The greatest learning being 'learning to learn'.




This is all about learning but then what does teaching mean?

It could be said that -

    

Teaching is the art of assisting and facilitating discovery.

Once we set off on a voyage of discovery, life becomes an endless adventure.


On this adventure called learning we will discover many things and experience many relationships, not all of them pleasant or useful, but in the end like Rohan we will hopefully discover ourselves.

Always Wealthy

Always Wealthy

When they grow up, young birds leave the nest. So in 1985 three years after we got married, Mohini and I moved out from my parent's home to make space for the families of my two younger brothers.


We decided to  move to a small flat at Salunke Vihar on the outskirts of Pune. 

Salunke Vihar was a relatively large government built township meant to provide affordable housing at relatively low interest rates and soft payment terms, to our soldiers and their families. It was accessible from the main road only by a dirt road. In addition to retired people, the cheap rent attracted  many young couples like us, starting out afresh.

The township offered a large, open and safe space for families and children. The air was fresh and the community of residents friendly and caring. 

Accessibility was a challenge. Auto rickshaws rarely plied to that side and the bus service was pathetic and almost non existent. The nearest main road was 3 kilometres away, and therefore people often walked or had to depend on the  kindness of residents with vehicles.

Being a son of an industrialist albeit a small one, I was amongst the few people who owned a car in the society. Keeping with the spirit of the situation, every time we travelled the dirt road, we would offer a ride to fellow residents and even visitors. 

Every interaction provided stimulus to the mind and soul if one is open and receptive. Some good and some not so good, but always interesting. One encounter was fundamentally transformative. 

______________________________

It was about noon time on a hot May day where the summer peaks. It is never as hot in Pune as it is in other places like the Punjab or Delhi, but it was pretty uncomfortable.

I was driving to a meeting and in a hurry. I shot out of the main gate. Rounding the corner onto the dirt road, there I saw standing next to the road an elderly man,  with a small bag by his side.

Ram Singh ji

The elderly man was mopping his forehead and face. Though I was inclined, I debated for a second whether I had the time to stop and offer him a ride.

'Always trying to do good, I stopped to offer him a ride.'


The old man slowly shuffled up to and agonisingly slowly got into my car. He was taking so damn long, this old man was further delaying me. For a moment I questioned my decision to give him a ride.

_The old gentleman sensed my irritation. Speaking in Hindi he said, “Forgive me for the trouble and thank you so much son. May God bless you and keep you happy.” Now I felt a bit ashamed at my insensitivity._

Blessing me and thanking me, blessing me and thanking me, he went on and on. When he thanked me for about the fifth time, I interrupted him and told him, "You do not have to apologise nor thank me, its not an inconvenience at all, we are both on the same route anyway." I added that at least he was appreciative of my assistance, unlike some people who did not acknowledge my gestures.

He smiled and nodded his head and said, "I understand what you mean. May I ask you a question?"
Of course I like nothing more than an interesting conversation and that is why I probably gave people rides in the first place. I replied "No problem. Please ask."

"Why did you give me a lift?" He asked. " Did you see a man on the road and think that let me give him a ride and then he will feel obligated to me, or did your heart speak with your conscience and asked you to do a good deed to this old man and give him a much needed lift?" he added.

I told him that I felt compassion towards him and thought it would be nice to assist him.

He responded, “Does that not mean, you were only following your heart’s desire and did the good deed? So logically speaking, it should make no difference to you whether I thank you or am grateful to you or not?"

He continued “May I say that, your heart desired something and that you were able to accomplish it, that itself is your reward. If you have got your reward, it should matter not whether I thank you or not."

I was stunned by the realisation of a great truth that this wise old man just revealed.

He continued, "The poor of the world are not only those who do not have shelter or enough food, and other necessities. They are also those who cannot do what their heart desires. My son, you are blessed and truly wealthy for you are able to follow your heart’s desire."

We reached the main road in the few minutes we had this conversation, I was captivated and hungry for more of him. I wanted to hang on to this awesome man and never let him go. He however insisted that I drop him there at the bus stop.

I waited for a minute and then his bus arrived. He stepped onto the bus which slowly disappeared out of sight and physically out of my life. But the old gentleman and his presence and words will be with me for ever.

____________

I contemplated what had just transpired. I felt foolish about my puny ego. In a matter of five minutes this seemingly insignificant yet great man had shaken me awake and transformed my life.

I learnt that unhappiness stems from unfilled expectations. If I had no expectations for the good that I did to others, I would give more, and yet be happier. Was it not my good fortune that I had the God given opportunity to be compassionate?

Life is made up of good times and not so good times. I was sometimes broke, but I was never poor. The valuable lesson I learnt that afternoon has transformed me.


I learnt that the the joy is in the doing and not in the expectation of the fruit. I would do what I had to and let The universe do the rest.

I realised, I will always be wealthy, because I follow my heart.

___________

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Goodbye dear father.

On the 1st day of Sept with a gurgle and a cough my father left this world just as he arrived into it.

Concerned friends and relatives, dutifully tried to console me.
I was inconsolable because my mindless heart could not stop crying.
I was unduly brave because my heartless mind refused to let me grieve.

Some said it was an auspicious day to die. How can any day be a good day to lose someone you love?

Brilliant, hardworking, witty and charming, our father Man Singh ji 1928 -2014) was an extraordinary teacher and man. Even in his passing on from this world he continued to provide valuable lessons.

Dad's life was a very long roller coaster ride, achieving great heights and many precipitous falls. Yet the spirit of such people always remains strong. They are warriors fighting against great odds and overcoming challenges.

Dad and Uncle Manohar Singh ji, created great fortunes against huge odds only to lose them due to greater misfortune time and again. 'Never give up', was their motto. yet when this life's journey's end is near the good soul knows when to give in to His will.

My dad had been bidding farewell gently, from the past three years. His vision dimmed, hearing gone, and his speech almost silent. Dad's being was blanketed by wonderful grace and an erie calmness.

Maybe God answered Dad's prayers by taking away all anger, ego and greed from him. It was a blessing, for dad stopped judging people and events. He saw only goodness and wonder in everyone and everything.

We spent many mornings together and I learnt much by being with him. I want to share this learning with you.

In spite of having much to be angry and resentful about, dad's heart was at peace, filled with humility, love and compassion he sought forgiveness from one and all. He meditated and prayed a lot. 

Especially when young, 'Man the Animal' is selfish and filled with insatiable greed for power, wealth and influence. As people age and if they are blessed, 'Man the Saint' is filled with understanding, love and compassion, and like a pendulum our lives swing between these two extremes. 

Failings my dad had many. Drive and intelligence he had even more. Kindness and  compassion he possessed beyond belief. My dad was an enigma. Come to think of it, most children can never understand their parents. All that lucky children can get, is the opportunity to appreciate and take advantage of the bounty of love and learning that they get showered with by their parents.

The soul always knows what is right, but rarely do we listen to it, because the mind will not be still. This is what prayer and then mediation is all about, the ability to listen to the soul.

Therefore the search for truth and understanding is never an outward journey but an inward journey. A journey to the core of our existence which is possible only by meditating.

The soul is like a Hans (Swan) which wants to soar to the heavens and reunite with God but it is shackled to this material world by our lust, greed, attachments, anger and ego. 

God has been kind to my father in the past several years by unshackling him almost completely from all these normal human traits. I pray that He will receive and accept my father Man Singh ji and grant his soul peace.

* Goodbye is a short form of 'God be with you'

My Dream. Your Dream. Our Dream.

Demonstrating leadership by, thinking what you believe, saying what you think, and doing what you say.

In 1985 two leaders from Bendix Corporation a leading American company, came visiting to our manufacturing facilities.They sensed that we wanted to achieve something outstanding in our field but could simply not describe it. Allan suggested we should aim to be a 'World Class Company'.

At that time no one even spoke of something so audacious. The concept sounded fantastic and next day we brothers met and discussed the concept. We adopted the vision to be 'A World Class Organisation'.

In the following week at a meeting of all our staff we made the announcement. Guess what? Our team just looked at us blankly. We were appalled, how could they not be excited about this fantastic vision? They were aghast that we should dream of something so audacious when we faced great struggles daily on countless matters big and small.

Thank God a brave man asked, "Sir, what exactly do you mean by World Class?" 

We brothers looked at each other and now we looked more confused than our staff. We had adopted a concept given to us by someone else, shot into action completely clueless of what our vision actually meant.

Returning to our office, we spent 3 months in discussions,  trying to figure out what that one statement really meant to us and to our people in which there were no doubts.

We finally concluded that as a business organisation we needed to find, retain and service customers profitably while providing value to them.

We adopted the philosophy; 

1. Look after the customers who are the purpose of our existence, by always providing them superior quality products and services, 

2. Look after the employees who actually make it possible to achieve things

3. Look after the shareholders and investors by providing superior returns on their investments

4. Look after the communities in which you exist and function in.

Now we called another meeting with our team. They listened and this time there was some more interaction. Even surprises and shock.

We mistook shock to be caused by the daring vision. In fact as subsequent private discussions with them showed that they thought we were mad.

Insane not because of the challenge before us but by our sheer audacity of proposing something so great while we were actually doing so badly on so many of the things that we wanted to change.

Hardly anyone believed us. It is then we learnt that the greatest resistance to change was 'Management Credibility'. They had learnt from our organisation and others where they had worked that managements say things without meaning them, rarely keep promises, and will only exploit you.

How could we convince them that we believed that the the interest of the employees and employers were one and the same and based on taking care of the interests of all stakeholders with sincerity?

Nothing seemed to work and now we risked looking like fools. 
Thank God, we had the counsel of several people and the most remarkable was our friend Nana Shahane.

Nana highlighted an important term used both for God, and father in Indian culture is 'Anna -Datta', meaning the one who provides us. Now rarely used but in earlier times even the employer was called Annadatta.

We learnt that you cannot expect people to give your their best if they feel uninvolved, disrespected, unloved and denied their fair share. We learnt that we had to shift from the accepted norm of highly exploitive capitalistic model to that of being a family. Not just any ordinary family but a well trained, disciplined, highly motivated continuously improving family working as a team to achieve our vision.

It took a couple of years to start winning trust, but once our people, our extended family members came to believe that we were sincere, our dreams became theirs. From leaders we became facilitators to successfully achieving a great dream. We doubled output with the passing of each year, seemingly impossible and incredulous growth.

The elders in the family also had the difficult and important task of maintaining discipline and fairness amongst family members. You have to be fair but firm, tough but tender and hard but humane.

You may ask if it is so simple then why so many people and organisations simply cannot implement this approach. Good things come from people with good and noble beliefs. Sincerity can be faked only for a while, because people easily come to see through insincerity rather quickly.

What goes around comes around. Many organisations and their leaders have grown physically, emotionally and spiritually distant from their own people. It is then not a family but a gathering of individuals only concerned about exploitation and increasing their individual wealth and power at all costs.

By engaging sincerely and respectfully with team/family members, nothing is impossible.