16 March 2017

Irish humour on St. Patrick's day



Only the Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,  His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. 


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 


" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 


"That little pipsqueak O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his  hand." 


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,  Didn't you have something in your hand?"  


That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road

A cop pulls him over. 


"So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?" 


" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. 


" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,  When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 


"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 


"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 


Finally, she looked up at Tim. 


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."



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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 


She says, "That he did, Father." 


 The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 


She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'



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 AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.   Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 


The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"



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Happy St. Paddy's Day ta ya all .

14 March 2017

06 March 2017

Trumps health care proposal - Humour


The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care proposal.
Here's what the various medical groups had to say:

The Allergists are in favor of scratching it, but
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, and the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that the proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologist thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass holes in Washington.