24 March 2017

PG Wodehouse, - Great humour again


"He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more."
― P.G. Wodehouse

"At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies."
― P.G. Wodehouse, Uneasy Money

"There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"
"The mood will pass, sir."
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

"He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom."
― P.G. Wodehouse

"I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Code of the Woosters

"She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when". "
― P.G. Wodehouse

"I always advise people never to give advice."
― P.G. Wodehouse

"A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle." 
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories

"There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine."

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It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

Ring for Jeeves (1953)
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"And she has got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need".😂

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"When I see lovers' names carved on trees, I don't think it's sweet. I only wonder how many people bring a knife on a date "


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My thanks to the fascinating Mr. Ravi VS for this contribution

16 March 2017

Irish humour on St. Patrick's day



Only the Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,  His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. 


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 


" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 


"That little pipsqueak O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his  hand." 


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,  Didn't you have something in your hand?"  


That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."



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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road

A cop pulls him over. 


"So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?" 


" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. 


" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,  When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". 


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 


"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 


"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 


Finally, she looked up at Tim. 


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."



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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 


She says, "That he did, Father." 


 The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 


She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'



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 AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 

The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.   Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 


The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"



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Happy St. Paddy's Day ta ya all .

14 March 2017